August 1, 2004 | Issue 14

UN Condemns Itself for Missed Opportunities to Condemn Israel

article pic NEW YORK, NY — [] The United Nations General Assembly passed a resolution today condemning itself for neglecting numerous opportunities to pass resolutions condemning Israel. The new resolution stated that on several crucial occasions, opportunities to censure, condemn and deeply deplore Israel were not taken up by the General Assembly.

“The state of Israel has been in existence for 56 years,” a UN spokesman said, “Yet in all that time, we’ve only managed to condemn them 123* times. That’s not even three times for every year that Israel has been in existence.”

Secretary General Kofi Annan said, “There were so many reasons that we could have condemned Israel, like when a kibbutz member milked a cow, for example, or when the Maccabee Tel Aviv team won a football game, but we were caught up in other international business, and we missed the boat.”
Kofi Annan Maintains Shomer Negiah Status While Apologizing to Arafat for Missed Condemnations Kofi Annan Maintains Shomer Negiah Status While Apologizing to Arafat for Missed Condemnations

The vote followed a typical General Assembly debate, with Arab and many other nations lining up to criticize Israel and its American backers. When told that the new resolution would not directly condemn Israel, but only indirectly castigate the Jewish nation, many Arab ambassadors were distraught.

Fewer states than expected supported the resolution, which passed by 74 votes to four, with 54 abstentions. The US abstained from voting, mostly because President George W. Bush was confused about whom he was supposed to side with on this issue, and he forgot to ask Vice President Cheney at the morning briefing.

The Palestinian representative to the UN then accused the US of shielding the Jewish state from any serious UN action.

The UN member nations comforted themselves with the prospect of future condemnations. “Every day is another opportunity to bash Israel under the guise of international justice,” said a South African ambassador, “and we look forward to the opportunity to make mincemeat out of Israeli policy in the future.”

*At presstime the number was 179. Right now it's 216.


Pencil Ayala Cohen spends her days as a media research supervisor at a global media agency, and her nights and weekends as a knitting/crocheting teacher. Ayala is married to magician Binyamin Cohen. “Yes, I’m the magician’s wife. No, he never cuts me in half or makes me disappear, but you’re the first person to make that witty comment.” They have three children, Pru, R’vu, and Kein Yirbu.


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