Tzedakah Guarantees Real Aniyim to Contributors, or Else
Brooklyn, New York — [TheKnish.com] As Pesach approaches, the usual battles mount over which tzedakah has the worthiest aniyim. Kupat Tzarrat, based in Bnei Brak, claims a 99.5% leper rate. Kupat Ivrim, also based in Bnei Brak, claims a 98% blindness rate. A new tzedkah for 2008, coincidently also in Bnei Brak, Kupat Tzarrat Ivrim, claims a 96% blind leper rate.
While at first glance it may seem that these tzedakot are completely different from one another, they actually all agree on a few key points, as quoted from all their brochures, which happen to all come from the same printer: "The gedolim (Yes, all of them!) hold that chametz is asur on Pesach based on the Torah with a punishment of karet, C"V. It is a great mitzva derabonon to give maot chittim. The gedolim , who are obviously more important than the Torah, are rabonon. Therefore, maot chittim is more important than eating chametz. It is brought down that if you can't do something to an extreme, don't bother doing it at all. Therefore, if you don't give maot chittim to the truest anniyim, you are chayav karet. We are the only tzedkah that has true anniyim. So send us money or die."
In order to differentiate themselves, a new tdedaka has formed in Brooklyn in conjunction with the Flatbush Shomrim. Kupat Anniyai Emet was founded on the philosophy that if you can't find true anniyim, (since they are all apparently in Bnei Brak), make some yourselves.
According to Betzalel Gotti, a spokesman for the group, the first step is to discreetly inquire into to the financial situation of the potential ani. "We have guys in all the banks to help us with that." If the individual is a homeowner, an expert arsonist is hired. "Any automobiles are taken care of pro bono by Mario and Jerome down the block," says Gotti. All liquid assets are transferred to Swiss bank accounts. "As I said, we have guys in all the banks."
Kupat Anniyai Emet guarantees not to stop until the victim is certified to be a true ani by the board of directors, which happens to be made up of gedolim. Once the victim is certified to be financially, physically, and emotionally ruined, a hand picked talmid chacham will drive by the charred remains of the person's home in a beat up minivan and toss a box of Manishewitz matzas and a jar of Bubbe's gefilte fish at the ani's head. "We would have included Tam Tams, but they aren't making them this year. Chaval."
Kupat Anniyai Emet offers multiple levels of donations. The basic donation will give you a true ani chosen at random. For a slightly higher donation, you can select the demographic of the potential ani that you would like to donate to. Choices include male or female, Ashkenaz or Sephardi, or shul/Chassidic sect affiliation. Kupat Anniyai Emes will then find someone that meets that description and make sure they become an ani. At the gold sponsor level, the contributor can actually name the person who they want to donate to. Examples are business competitors, that annoying Shloime guy in the row behind you at shul, the editor of TheKnish, etc.
For an additional $18, you can join the Kupat Anniyai Emet insurance program which guarantees that you will not become one of the chosen aniim this year. Gold sponsors are automatically enrolled, so Kupat Anniyai Emet suggests you hurry up and send in your check before Shloime does.
David Friedman just paid his kids' yeshiva tuition so don't bother picking him.
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