Tuches Family Tired of Being Butt of Jokes

DETROIT, MICHIGAN — [TheKnish.com] Zevulun and Ruth Tuches of Detroit have filed a civil suit against their next door neighbor Mach A. Vitz. The Tucheses are seeking $175,000 in damages from Mr. Vitz, charging that he has ignored "repeated requests to stop making fun of us because of our last name," Said Mr. Tuches.

The Tucheses allege that Mr. Vitz's constant ridicule - he even named his new Doberman Shaynah Tuches - has resulted in their loss of stature in the community. The Tucheses are especially concerned about the effects of Mr. Vitz's cheekiness on their children Rinda Chiga and Zevulun Jr.

"Imagine having to explain to your eight-year-old daughter why her classmates are always asking her to play pin the tail on the tuches," said a tearful Mrs. Tuches. "Thankfully Zevulun Jr. is only two, but I don't want him going through what Rinda has."

According to the Tucheses, Mr. Vitz began harassing them on New Year's Day 2004 when he left a message on their answering machine asking if Zevulun Tuches wanted to come over to watch the toilet bowl on Mr. Vitz's 48-inch plasma screen.

"Since then," said Mr. Tuches, an accountant with Deloitte and Touche, "Vitz hasn't missed an opportunity to tell people that we're addicted to crack or that our favorite beer is Heiniekin or that our favorite dance is the can-can."

"The final straw came at Vitz's Chanukah party," said Mr. Tuches. "He promised not to make fun of us, so we went. Then, as soon as we got there he said, 'Hey, everybody, the [expletive deleted due to pressure from the Chareidi Communications Commission (CCC)] from next door are here.' When I reminded him of his promise, he laughed and said that he had been speaking tongue in cheek."

Mr. Vitz, a self-employed tattoo artist, reacted to the Tucheses' suit with a shrug. "I think they're really making [expletive deleted due to legs being broken by CCC] of themselves," he deadpanned. "They won't get anywhere giving me the bum's rush. They've got to learn to put their sensitivity behind them."

Beth Hillel, the attorney representing Mr. Vitz, argues that the Tucheses could make this all go away if they would simply alter the pronunciation of their last name.

"I wrote to their lawyer last week, suggesting that his clients pronounce their name so that it rhymes with 'crutches,'" said Hillel. "They refused. They're more interested in salving their wounded pride with my client's money than they are in resolving this issue. That's what's at the bottom of this case."

Writer

Martin Bodek is short, dark, handsome, run marathons (finishes them too!), can solve a Rubik's Cube in 1:47, is a big TED chasid, can whup your keister in Scrabble, loves Halva, and co-founded TheKnish.com.

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