May 1, 2004 | Issue 11

Tony Soprano Put in Cheirem for Keeping Wife an Agunah

BADA BING, NEW JERSEY — [] After several attempts by the New Jersey community to secure a get for Carmela Soprano, the Beis Din of Jersey has finally succeeded in forcing Tony Soprano to give his estranged wife a get.

So far, any attempt at securing a get for Mrs. Soprano has been met with failure. The first attempt by several members of Tony's congregation led to several injuries, all of them broken legs.

Further attempts at convincing Tony by force resulted in several locals ending up on milk cartons.

Finally, after Beis Din exhausted their avenues for securing a get, a cheirem was declared, stating, "All associates of Tony Ben Johnny are forbidden from having any relationship with him whatsoever until the time comes that he gives a get to his wife, Carmela Bas Avrohom."

A short time after the decree was made public, every member of the Beis Din somehow broke their legs, then went missing. Nobody knows how exactly these things might have happened, but after it was discovered that Carmela had an extramarital affair, the decree was lifted by the new Beis Din and a new decree was put in place. It reads, "Carmela Bas Avrohom is a Zonah who denies her guilt. The Beis Din demands she come before the Kohen Gadol, remove her non-Indian hair sheitel and drink the bug-infested Sotah water, which will prove or disprove her guilt or innocence, fuhgedaboudit."


Pencil Martin Bodek is short, dark, handsome, runs marathons (finishes them too!), can solve a Rubik's Cube in 1:47, is a big TED chasid, can whup your keister in Scrabble, loves halva, co-founded, and writes books from 5-9:


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