April 1, 2004 | Issue 10

Tallis Injuries on the Rise

LAKEWOOD, NJ — [TheKnish.com] Upon release of the latest statistics from the U.S. Center for Jewish Injury Control it appears that injuries due to tallis whipping have undergone an alarming rise among Jewish newlywed males. These injuries include abrasions, slashes, lashes, lacerations and booboos that are gonna leave a mark, as well as spinal injuries resulting from the contortions necessary to avoid the whipping tallis.

Several accidents and two deaths have resulted from the taleisim cutting the jugulars of fellow congregants, and there has been an outbreak of attacks with tefillin cases and lulav holders thrown by outraged senior citizens yelling, "Vot you doink? You almost took mine EYE out, you stupid boychik!"

This rise in injuries has not gone unnoticed by New Jersey attorney Abraham Klein, who says he plans on filing a class action “As soon as I can figure out who-all to sue.” Klein claims he has so far assembled a starting list of potential defendants including clothing manufacturers, retailers and new chassanim and that he is still, “Looking to make a very tall-list. Ha-ha! Pun intended!”

Dangerous taleisim are not new to Judaism. They began with dangerously long tefillin straps early in the 19th century and continued with black hats with 12 inch brims during the BT craze of the 1990's, which led to numerous injuries and deaths until they were boycotted by the public along with excessively flammable beketchers. Attorney Klein claims that “Lawsuits are an important means of keeping Jewish congregants safe,” from dangerous Jewish apparel.

Writer

Pencil Martin Bodek is short, dark, handsome, runs marathons (finishes them too!), can solve a Rubik's Cube in 1:47, is a big TED chasid, can whup your keister in Scrabble, loves halva, co-founded TheKnish.com, and writes books from 5-9: http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/mbodekatgmaildotcom


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