November 1, 2004 | Issue 15

Talibanos Yaakov Announces New Tznius Requirements

article pic BORO PARK, BROOKLYN — [] Parents of children at the Talibanos Yaakov in Boro Park have accepted the requirments of the Rosh Yeshiva, Reb Itzik Chauvinister, for the appearances of their holy Jewish daughters. The Sexistover Rebbe and the famed Machmichepestziesen Roov have also signed off on the new rules, which parents must sign before their children are accepted as students to the school.

Some excerpts read in part as follows:

"2) Skirts must extend 37 millimeters below the knee, but also must be 49 millimeters above the ankle. This obviously means that all skirts must be exactly 86 millimeters from the knee. Any more represents non-tzniusdike fashion. Any less represents a zonah b'yisroel. Skirts must also be tight at the bottom, so that the stride cannot exceed 14 1/2 inches. Any more is unseemly, abominable and highly provocative. It is not what we expect of our future mothers. Speaking of which, skirts must be loose at the waist, so as not to constrict the womb, which should be springy enough to allow for one baby per year for a minimum of 10 years, or a total nervous breakdown, whichever comes last.

"5) Shirts must cover the jugular and carotid arteries. Allowing these arteries to be seen in public is indecent. Shirts must cover all vertebra in the back as well. Neck braces are recommended for our students who wish to be upright in adherence of this guideline.

"6) It is recommended for parents to ensure that our daughters of Israel remain ugly and therefore less likely to attract attention. A heter has been given by our hanhalah for parents to seek out the latest technology in genetic tampering to ensure that the school attains this important goal.

"9) Breasts are forbidden to be larger than 34b. Any larger is a travesty in modesty and must be addressed by wrapping Yentl-style until the student looks like Olive Oyl, who is a paradigm of how our Israelite daughters should be dressed."

It is interesting to note that new guidelines for the Talibanei Yaakov simply read as follows:

"1) The boys? They can do what they want. Enjoy!"


Pencil Martin Bodek is short, dark, handsome, runs marathons (finishes them too!), can solve a Rubik's Cube in 1:47, is a big TED chasid, can whup your keister in Scrabble, loves halva, co-founded, and writes books from 5-9:


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