September 1, 2003 | Issue 4

Taikonaut Finally Arrives With Chinese Food

article pic BEIJING, CHINA — [] Takeout deliveryman Yang Liwei has finally arrived at the International Space Station. The spacecraft, Shenzhou 5, a decade in the making, roared into the sky from the Gobi Desert at 9 a.m. Tuesday -- 9 p.m. Eastern Daylight Time -- and returned safely to the grassland of Inner Mongolia. TheKnish managed to get an exclusive interview with Yochanan "Rocketman" Berger, the Jewish astronaut onboard the Space Station who had placed the order. Unfortunately, the long distance charges have nearly bankrupted TheKnish.

"Man, my moo shoo po...uh.. gai pan finally came," said the Rocketman. "Of course, they got my order wrong. I asked for white rice," the Jewish hero continued.

When the editors asked how he had held out so long, Yochanan replied, "You know that joke about how the Jewish and Chinese calendars are off, so we went without Chinese food for a thousand years? We didn't think much of it until we had to spend a few weeks without MSG. Now that joke's gallows humor up here. We can't even put it out of our minds since all we can see from up here is the Great Wall."

Satellite time being insanely beyond the budget of TheKnish's miniscule funds, we had to cut off the call there. But before we hung up, Berger asked, "When's the next mission? That's the problem with Chinese space missions, as soon as one has landed, you want another."

The editors tried to contact Yang Liwei, but even when we got through we didn't understand him. It turns out he speaks Chinese. The best translation of his comment we could get seems to be, "Cheapskates didn't even give me a tip."


Pencil Mordy Ovits is a network security engineer employed at a major financial services company. You don't need Mordy's email address. Just send yourself the message; he's already hacked your ISP's mail spool and has been reading your email for years.


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