July 1, 2005 | Issue 22

Suicide Bombings Down Due to Shortage of Virgins

JANNAH, PARADISE — [TheKnish.com] Political pundits have long speculated on the cause of the downturn of suicide bombings in Israel. Some have posited that the credit belongs to Ariel Sharon's iron fist. Others have claimed the cause was Arafat's death. However, a new theory has surfaced, and most of the public has accepted the idea as the most likely to be the proximate cause: there are no virgins left in heaven.

"This is most devastating," said Allah during a sit-down interview. "There were so many suicide bombings that all the virgins were used up before I could generate more. I cannot keep up with the demand. Hence, I've ordered a moratorium on suicide bombings until I can restock to pre-intifadeh levels."

The sheer number of suicide bombings is not entirely to blame for the virgin shortage. Other factors are involved with the drought. Haman al Bilaam, a professional stone thrower from Rubble, Gaza used his 72 virgins up in one crazy night and due to a legal loophole he was able to claim 72 more on appeal. Al Bilaam claimed he thought their virginity could regenerate and that he could re-use them. A class-action lawsuit followed and dozens of bombers were able to apply for more virgins until the heavenly legal system closed the loophole. By then the damage to inventory was done.

Some suicide bombers have been asked by the Palestinian Authority to lend some virgins to would-be suicide bombers until the inventory can be replenished. This did not sit well with many of the suicide bombers. "Is the PA crazy?," said Misah Meshina, an amateur crash test dummy, "I'm being so careful not to use up all the virgins during my deathtime. I have 55 to go. I have no guarantees that whatever I give up will be replaced successfully. What if we make peace with Israel? Allah won't be making any more virgins, now will he? No way, they're too precious a resource and I've worked too hard to get them."

In an unsuccessful attempt to deal with the virgin shortage problem, the PA began recruiting female suicide bombers. Females do not receive 72 virgins, rather their reward is a man as handsome as the prophet Yosef. "This was totally unfair," says Badei Shoshana. "I blew myself up and got the ugliest man on earth. I should have known better. Have you seen People's "50 Most Beautiful Palestinians" issue? It wasn't pretty. I got screwed. Actually, I'm not getting screwed. This sucks."

Shoshana's dilemma put an instant halt to the female suicide bombers program and trickled down to the four remaining virgins as well. After seeing the looks of the would-be bombers in the suicide program, they got themselves laid at an Israeli night club. Heaven is now virginrein. Little did Israel know that peace would not come about by treaties or land returns. Rather, Israel's safety has been secured by a sexually active Palestinian population.

Writer

Pencil Martin Bodek is short, dark, handsome, runs marathons (finishes them too!), can solve a Rubik's Cube in 1:47, is a big TED chasid, can whup your keister in Scrabble, loves halva, co-founded TheKnish.com, and writes books from 5-9: http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/mbodekatgmaildotcom


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