June 1, 2004 | Issue 12

Shomrim's Finest Clobber Bigfoot to Death

BORO PARK, BROOKLYN — [TheKnish.com] A band of shomrim have laid claim to slaying the legendary beast known as Bigfoot. Sholom Berger, spokesman for the Shomrim troop, said he and his group loaded their shoes with metal tips, armed themselves with their beepers and headed for the woods to settle the Bigfoot legend once and for all.

"We finded him there and he was looking like a big shmutzig katchke who didn't go to the mikvah in years," said Berger. "And he shtinked like baked chazer with garlic stuffed in its ears. I'm epes good with metaphors, nein? Nu anyvays, it was ekeldik. Foy!"

Reports say that the posse didn't even get a chance to search for the creature. According to witnesses the Shomrim had just yelled "Chaptzem!" when the beast came running out of nowhere making an inquisitive "Vear?" noise. The assembled band promptly clobbered Bigfoot over the head repeatedly with weapons they called "vuckie tuckies."

"He bached and kached like a little baby," said Berger. "We shtoised him and farklapt him but good. It's finally over, gamarnu, this meshigeh hunt for the bahaimeh is over."

Scientists were skeptical that after all the years of searching, hunting and tracking, men with no experience found Bigfoot so easily. But they were disappointed, too. "If anyone had captured it alive we could have learned much from the creature," said one scientist, "Dead, it's worth much less to us."

Berger was more upbeat. "Narishkeit," he said. "The fur is going to making a gevaldige sheitel for my wife and maybe I can making for myself a new shtreimel."


TheKnish has gotten a hold of the medical examiner's just-filed report. It was determined with a 99.7% probability that what the Shomrim thought was Bigfoot was actually Big Gedalia Goomber. Gedalia had escaped to the woods when he was ostracized from the community for being mechalel shabbos by using the Boro Park Eruv. His teshuva by way of nezirus gave him his hairy appearance. Confirming the M.E.'s find was the size of the body, which wasn't exactly small, but really not so very big, just seventeen feet tall. It was really rigged for working and it was very fit. Then Shabbos came and the M.E. had to quit.


Pencil Mordy Ovits did standup once. They laughed at him. They all laughed at him. You can email your laughter to him at movits@theknish.com.

Pencil Martin Bodek is short, dark, handsome, runs marathons (finishes them too!), can solve a Rubik's Cube in 1:47, is a big TED chasid, can whup your keister in Scrabble, loves halva, co-founded TheKnish.com, and writes books from 5-9: http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/mbodekatgmaildotcom


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