April 1, 2005 | Issue 20

Shimshon Hagibor Implicated in Steroid Probe

article pic TRIBE OF DAN TERRITORY, CANAAN — [TheKnish.com] Noted superhero Shimshon Hagibor has been subpoenaed to testify before a congressional committee investigating steroid use among athletes and entertainers.

Attorneys for the biblical icon, best known for his long hair, bulging musculature and creativity with weapons, say they have encouraged their client to cooperate with the panel but warned that harsh questioning might trigger his legendarily explosive temper.

Hagibor has repeatedly denied using illegal substances, attributing his overdeveloped physique to a "parenting accident" involving exposure to "nezirus rays." But sources say Og Melech Habashon will testify that he once injected Hagibor's buttocks with a substance called Mutant Growth Hormone.

The chairman of the House panel conducting the hearings questioned Hagibor's credibility, pointing out that he exhibits many of the classic signs of steroid abuse, including unusual skin and hair conditions, cartoonesque brawn and volatile mood swings sometimes called "roid rage."

"Mr. Hagibor is admired as a role model by many children and his failure to come clean sends the wrong message," said Rep. Tom Davis, R-Virginia. "We don't want impressionable young kids thinking it's cool to go around slaying thousands with jawbones and bringing down entire houses on partygoers."

The House panel is calling for a strict policy designed to end steroid use among biblical heroes. The Golem of Prague could not be reached for comment, mostly because he's mute.

Writer

Pencil Martin Bodek is short, dark, handsome, runs marathons (finishes them too!), can solve a Rubik's Cube in 1:47, is a big TED chasid, can whup your keister in Scrabble, loves halva, co-founded TheKnish.com, and writes books from 5-9: http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/mbodekatgmaildotcom


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