December 1, 2004 | Issue 16

Shadchan World Shocked by Truth Scandal

NEW YORK, NY — [TheKnish.com] The Jewish matchmaking world is currently reeling from the effects of a shocking allegation. New York State Attorney General Eliot Spitzer is said to be investigating rumors of a handful of shadchanim not lying. Apparently, several were caught on camera perpetrating what looks like nonfraudulent behavior.

The purported incidents are also said to show the defendants committing human decency. According to people who have seen the tapes, the shadchanim in question neglected to ask degrading and invasive personal questions. TheKnish.com heard unsubstantiated claims that the agitators "forgot" to ask the ever-popular "Does your mother use a shopping cart?" and the critical "Where did your grandfather, of blessed memory, daven?" Also, they were not up-to-date on the latest questions regarding the use of a Holy Sheet! and maintaining a separate washer and dryer for the sexes.

If convicted, the accused shadchanim will likely lose their membership in the prestigious League of International Experienced Shadchanim (L.I.E.S.). The League's charter requires that members routinely misrepresent the age, height, weight, money and looks of their charges. In fact, they're sworn to never give any valid data that can ostensibly be used to make an informed decision.

A spokewoman for the League (motto: "Honesty is a policy") said, "Why do you need the truth about that stuff? As we like to say, 'He's a guy, she's a girl -- it's perfect!' We need to root out these subversive elements before their contagion spreads. Our integrity board is always on the lookout for these little indiscretions of forthrightness. Sure, it begins as tiny perversions of falsity, but next thing you know, they're flat-out being honest. A shanda!"

There are some malcontents who were willing to state their objection off the record. One opined, "She even lied about the girl's phone number. I'd have used the phone book, but she lied about the name too. Even when I finally got the correct name, it turned out that she had lied about what state the girl lives in!" Yet another anonymous gentleman registered his complaint, but mumbled it. It sounded to this reporter like the nervous fellow said, "'She' was a he."

The only one brave enough to use his real name was Binyamin (Ben) Ploni, who said, "Given the myriad ways I've been lied to, I'm waiting for a girl the shadchan describes as ugly, fat, poor and with the personality of a warthog. That must be the secret hottie with a sense of humor she's been keeping up her sleeve!"

The president of Bochurim Against Slanderous Hyperbole/Endorsers of Righteous Truth (B.A.S.H.E.R.T.) (motto: "Where a redding leads to a wedding") also chimed in. "I've always been puzzled by their probing questions. Why go into such bizzare detail if you're going to make it all up in the end anyway?" he said.

Naturally, these dissenters seemed to be anomalies, as most people questioned were not opposed to the truth stretching. Yanky Goldstein, spokeman for Frummies of New York (F.O.N.Y.) pointed out the benefits of the active policy. He said, "It lets you work the system. Ya gotta know what the shadchan really means when she says, 'She has great big middos.'"

One distressed mother said, "When we say my little Alter Weiner's age is around 27, I dont see why someone should care if he's really around 32, or maybe even around 33. In any case, he's definitely not older than 35. Shadchanim like these are the reason my little Alty is still single. Alter has been so down since this incident. I hope they throw the book at them."

Writer

Pencil Mordy Ovits did standup once. They laughed at him. They all laughed at him. You can email your laughter to him at movits@theknish.com.


0 Comments

Commenting is disabled

search Search The Knish:


tool Article tools:

Print this article Print this article
Email this article Email this article
More by Mordy Ovits More by Mordy Ovits

cloud1

Also In Issue 16

Random Stories

cloud2

Did You Know?

Soccer was invented by a Jew trying to get his tallis bag to shul on Shabbos with a shinui.

On This Day

On April 26, 1753, nothing bad happened to the Jews. Just kidding, of course something bad happened.

cloud3

Bush II Do you like satire? Do you like the Bible? Do you like politics? Do you like them all together at the same time? Now, for the first time ever, you can kill all three birds with one stone. Bush II, Book I is the King James Version of the first term of George W. Bush. Buy it and multitask like never before.