June 1, 2004 | Issue 12

Shabbos Goyim Go On Work Stoppage Work Stoppage

TEANECK, NJ — [TheKnish.com] For years, the gentile population living within the Jewish community in Teaneck has provided the usual shabbos goy service with satisfaction and a smile, but recently there have been grumblings among the ranks. Manuel Rodriguez, a disaffected shabbos goy for the residents near Cedar Lane, is attempting to rally the workers to unionize. His list of demands include the following:

1) Better remuneration - "We're tired of those herring and sugarless cracker bowtie thingies," said Rodriguez, "If we're providing a service, we want something better, like I dunno, a taco or something. And definitely no cholent. That stuff is gross, man." Rodriguez professed a liking for sushi, and was dismayed to find out that herring is raw too. "Then why it taste so bad?" he asked. This Knish reporter's brief explanation of Satmar herring-serving hygiene left Manuel aghast. "I'm adding forks to my list of demands!" he cried.

2) Better titles - "We don't like being referred to as 'shabbos goy.' It's demeaning," continued Rodriguez, "we would like to be known as 'rest-maintenance engineers'." Unfortunately, a title check with the Trademark office shows that honorific to be already taken by 1-800-MATTRESS installers.

3) More respect - "I don't think the Hasidic community understands how valuable our skills are. We're like those Navajo codetalkers," Rodriguez said. "Seriously, how many people know that 'it's hot, real hot' means 'we need the AC on in here'? And how many people know that, 'we can't read from our siddurim' means 'can you turn on the lights for us?,'" It is well documented that shabbos goys - excuse me, rest-maintenance engineers - in other communities haven't attained our codebreaking level." Manuel related an incident that took place in Denver where a Jew said, "It's mamesh shmaltzing inside." to a Gentile passerby and the Gentile walked in and patiently waited to be served shmaltz while the sweating Jews looked upon him in total befuddlement.

Manuel was hoping to organize a march for next Sunday, but it seems that all the workers are off on Sunday and can't make it.


Pencil Mordy Ovits did standup once. They laughed at him. They all laughed at him. You can email your laughter to him at movits@theknish.com.

Pencil Martin Bodek is short, dark, handsome, runs marathons (finishes them too!), can solve a Rubik's Cube in 1:47, is a big TED chasid, can whup your keister in Scrabble, loves halva, co-founded TheKnish.com, and writes books from 5-9: http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/mbodekatgmaildotcom


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