Scientists Say Plutovich No Longer a Chasidus

BROOKLYN, NEW YORK — [TheKnish.com] Just months after a conference where astronomers determined that the ninth rock from the sun was no longer a planet, the Association of Orthodox Jewish Scientists announced at the Bobover Planetarium that Plutovichers were no longer chasidim.

Pundits have suspected over the last few years that the original decision to characterize the Plutovich chasidus as legitimate may have been in error, but today's announcement by the scientists removed all remaining doubt.

"While the Plutovichers possess some qualities that are consistent with a chasidus, we have come to the conclusion that they are something else entirely," said Dr. Abaye Verava of the University of Madagascar. "It would be more accurate to call the Plutovichers a dwarf chasidus."

Dr. Verava said it was understandable that yidden had assumed for so many that the Plutovichers were a real chasidus. After all, they exhibited behaviors similar to chasidim, such as smashing into utility polls to avoid walking next to women and excommunicating people who wear off-white shirts on Shabbos. Plutovichers also put off using birth-control until they become great-great grandparents.

"However, the Plutovichers exhibited a behavior entirely unlike chasidim, which downgraded their classficiation," Dr. Verava said. "The truly chasidish would never read books written in English, which Plutovichers do regularly. Also, Plutovichers average only 3.2 disparagements of misnagdim a week, a rate far too low for true chasidim."

In Brooklyn, New York, the Plutovicher Rebbe welcomed the reassessment of his followers, saying that being designated a dwarf chasidus represented a unique opportunity for the sect: "Boruch Hashem, as a dwarf chasidus we can squeeze more people into the fifty square feet of available Boro Park retail space."

Writer

Martin Bodek is short, dark, handsome, run marathons (finishes them too!), can solve a Rubik's Cube in 1:47, is a big TED chasid, can whup your keister in Scrabble, loves Halva, and co-founded TheKnish.com.

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