August 1, 2004 | Issue 14

Satmar Athletes Protest Rule Changes for Olympics

article pic ATHENS, GREECE — [] Thirty-four world records have been shattered by the Satmar sect of Ultra-Orthodox Jewish athletes at this year's Olympics in Athens. This should be cause for celebration, but because of the falling records it has been met with stiff rule changes for the Boro Park 2008 Olympics in response. Tens of protesters opposed the proposed rule changes.

Chaim Shmelke Beeberhit smashed the 50 Meter Freestyle swimming record by 1.2 seconds. This prompted a change to rule 9.12C, which now reads, "Sidelocks must be trimmed to a minimum of 10 inches, as lengths in excess of this measurement causes streamlining, which represents an unfair advantage over competing athletes. Competitors are likewise barred from tossing their payos forward to hit the finish wall first."

Velvel Shimon Chaptzem obliterated the competition in the 100 meter dash in 9.73 seconds, a mind-boggling new record. The garb he was wearing at the time prompted changes to rule 12.1D, which now reads, "Athletes may not wear black silk robes on their bodies or dead animal furs on their heads, as this represents unnatural wind-tunneling and an advantage over competitors."

Moshe Melech Keshketel destroyed the 200 Meter backstroke via some very inventive means, which led to a revision of rule 7.5A. The rule now reads, "Okay, very funny, no splitting the water so you can run across to the other side."

Moshe Yoel Weiszman established S.H.T.A.R.C (Satmerer Heimishe Treckinfield Against Rule Changes) in response to the outcry.

"These rule changes are highly unfair," said Moshe Yoel. "I mean, our clothing augmentations work to our detriment as well. So our garb is fair. Just yesterday, Yitzchok Azik Hoisentrageh of Monsey dropped the highbar with his long beard, and Yankev Naftooleh Vassezuckin long jumped 29 feet, but it was cut to 23 because his tzitzis hit the ground before his legs."

"Next thing you know, they'll declare that chicken soup is a banned stimulanat, heaven forbid. They've already decreed that cholent was an illegal accelerant when our athletes clobbered the 200 Meter running record on Sunday morning. Enough is enough."


Pencil Martin Bodek is short, dark, handsome, runs marathons (finishes them too!), can solve a Rubik's Cube in 1:47, is a big TED chasid, can whup your keister in Scrabble, loves halva, co-founded, and writes books from 5-9:


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