August 1, 2003 | Issue 3

Santa Claus Converts to Judaism

article pic MIAMI BEACH, FL — [TheKnish.com] Exhausted and overworked, Santa Claus has decided to convert to Judaism to lessen his workload and decrease his stress.

Mr. Claus's first inkling that Judaism was his new intended path was when he was unloading one particularly heavy bag of gifts and muttered "Oy Oy Oy!" instead of "Ho Ho Ho!" Santa took this as divine inspiration and began some serious reflection on the matter.

Mr. Claus sat down at his desk in the North Pole and itemized the benefits of bringing toys to Jewish children. Most obvious was that there were much less children to service, approximately 3,000,000 Jewish children, as opposed to almost 500,000,000 Christian children. The next obvious benefit was that he had eight days of Hannukah to deliver all of these gifts instead of jamming the entire shipment into one night, which constantly required the already weary Santa to travel at the speed of light to accomplish the task.

Finally, the straw that broke the reindeer's back was the realization that Jewish households had far more delicious cuisine to offer. Gefilte fish, chicken soup, blintzes, knishes and the like are more palatable than the milk and cookies he got bored of after the second century.

Circumcision won't be necessary for Santa, because that's already been taken of in a freak accident involving frostbite after getting stuck in a tight chimney.

Santa has left the frigid, brutal confines of the North Pole and has begun his toy shop anew in the sunny climes of Miami Beach, Florida. He has fired all of those annoying elves and replaced them with nice Jewish retirees from New York.

The last piece of the puzzle is legally changing his name to something more in line with his new ethnic atmosphere. Beginning this Hannukah, Santa Claus will heretofore be known as the Chimneyshtooper Rebbe.

Writer

Pencil Martin Bodek is short, dark, handsome, runs marathons (finishes them too!), can solve a Rubik's Cube in 1:47, is a big TED chasid, can whup your keister in Scrabble, loves halva, co-founded TheKnish.com, and writes books from 5-9: http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/mbodekatgmaildotcom


4 Comments

comment Damama T said...

OH MY STARS! That is so funny! I guess I never associated Santa with any particular religion... Obviously my education is sorely lacking! Thanks for the giggle!

BLOG: http://damama2all.blogspot.com

EMAIL: damama002@yahoo.com

December 23, 2008 at 2:26 a.m.

comment Martin Bodek said...

You're welcome! Thanks for your comment! I'm quite proud of this article, actually.

December 24, 2008 at 3:48 p.m.

comment Rabbi Celso Cukierkorn said...

Tell him to go to http://www.convertingtojudaism.com/
And after conversion, if Santa wants to join our synagogue http://www.adatachim.org/ we love to have him,and you too
Martin
Shalom
and Happy Jew year
Rabbi Celso Cukierkorn

January 1, 2009 at 4:13 p.m.

comment Martin Bodek said...

I've relayed your message to Santa. He'll check if you're on his nice list, and if so, he'll accept your services and drop by your congregation for a visit.

January 5, 2009 at 5:09 a.m.

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