August 1, 2003 | Issue 3

Report: Jews Don't Have Horns

BOSTON, MA — [] Researchers at Harvard University have made a startling discovery. Jews don't have horns. All involved with the study were amazed at the results, confounding experts worldwide.

Stephen Hawking, the leading physicist in the world today, questioned his theories on everything, including black holes and quantum mechanics. His reasoning was simple, if Jews don't have horns, then hell froze over, calling the all-important law of thermodynamics into question, which ripples down to other laws of physics.

All of Einstein's theories stand, however, because he was Jewish, and he knew none of his brethren had horns.

The study cost upwards of $3 million, but the researchers say it was worth it. Several campuses in Boston were canvassed for Jewish volunteers. 1,097 showed up at the Sam Adams auditorium and removed their kipas. All 1,097 had no horns to speak of, although 3 had funny lumps (they later admitted to a minor bar fight).

Shari Einhorn, professor of Physics at Harvard remarked, "We simply did not expect 100% of the group to successfully disprove this age old notion, but these results are undeniable."

Next, Harvard will be researching the effectiveness of replacing penicillin with actual chicken soup.


Pencil Martin Bodek is short, dark, handsome, runs marathons (finishes them too!), can solve a Rubik's Cube in 1:47, is a big TED chasid, can whup your keister in Scrabble, loves halva, co-founded, and writes books from 5-9:


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