July 1, 2003 | Issue 2

Report: Jewish Obsession Linked to Jewish Genes

LOS ANGELES, CA — [TheKnish.com] Researchers at the Pacific Center for Genetic Study released a statement yesterday on the discovery of a new gene. The gene is found only in Jews and is usually active throughout his or her life.

"Fameeus Judeus Proudeus Gene, also known as, Spielbergosis," says Dr. B. Miysas, "is probably present in over 90% of the Jewish population."

Dr. Myses explained that the gene makes people feel personally proud of any famous person that has any remote connection to being Jewish. The gene's effects are: swelling of the head, puffing out of the chest and constant repeating of the phrase "he's Jewish, he's Jewish."

"While most cases aren't serious," Dr. Mysas continued, "we have consulted on cases where the desperation got so bad that the patient would be grasping at anything. I remember one 26 year old girl from Chicago who claimed she heard from her roommate, who heard from her second cousin that Matt Damon's father's uncle, through marriage, was Jewish. She would bring it up in conversation as often as possible."

Although research is ongoing to curb the effects of the gene, it doesn't look promising. Even Dr. Mysas seems to have a very active Spielbergosis. During the press conference he kept listing off famous peoples names just to say they might have the Spielberg Gene. Names mentioned were: Harrison Ford, Sandy Koufax, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Hank Greenberg, Bugsy Siegel, Henry Kissinger… oh, looks like I might have it too.

Writer

Pencil Chaim Y got the ball rolling, so you owe him big. He co-founded the TheKnish.com with Martin Bodek, a day which will forever live in famy. His hobbies include gum-chewing, bubblewrap-popping, and comparing chometz horror stories. He lives in a city with people.


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