December 1, 2003 | Issue 7

Report: Dieting a Segulah to Lose Weight

SINAI DESERT, EGYPT — [] A startling discovery was made in the dunes of the Sinai Desert last Thursday, on par with the amazing discovery of the Dead Sea Scrolls. Buried in a cave unearthed by researchers were several old seforim, most of which were familiar progenitors of seforim we know and use today. But one astonishing find has never been seen before and its impact has already been felt globally.

The sefer is called the Ta'amei Hasegulim, and the contents are shocking in their
effectiveness. A Rabbi Richard M'Simmons is quoted as saying that dieting is a segulah to lose weight. Another Godol, Rav Yaakov Lalanneu, claims that bodybuilding is a segulah to have bigger muscles.

While scholars and scientists argue incessantly over evolution they unanimously agree on the contents of the sefer.

"Yoy, this is mamesh reezigeh antfalls," says Rav Nachmun Godrinsky of Bnei Brak. Godrinksy continued, "Her naur, the segulahs in this sefer arbit biz hindred pertzent, gevaldig!"

Knish reporters ran the statement through the Yeshivishe Reid Translator and found that the Rabbi said, "The revelations are amazing, and the segulahs in this scripture are almost entirely failsafe. Incredible."

Chapter after chapter reveals segulahs backed up by scientific experiments performed worldwide when the sefer's contents were leaked onto the Internet. Drinking is indeed a segulah to quench your thirst. Sleeping is indeed the perfect segulah to remedy fatigue. Having six or more children is a segulah to have a large family.

"With this holy book, you can literally map out your future. It's the perfect guidebook," says Nathan Grain, a molecular psychologist at UCLA. "For example, on one page alone, several segulahs are mentioned concerning job interviews, and each segulah is perfect, and guarantees success."

The page referenced by Dr. Grain mentions that wearing a pressed suit and shirt, a conservative tie, and polished shoes is a segulah to be considered well-dressed. Also, taking a # 3 haircut before the interview is a segulah to have hair that's unmessy. Finally, the sefer mentions that handing the interviewee a resume is a segulah for him to know exactly where you've worked and your skill-set.

At press time, the Ta'amei Hasegulim has already become a global phenomenon. People everywhere are showering because it's a segulah to be clean, eating because it's a segulah to alleviate hunger and getting jobs because it's a segulah to make money.


Pencil Martin Bodek is short, dark, handsome, runs marathons (finishes them too!), can solve a Rubik's Cube in 1:47, is a big TED chasid, can whup your keister in Scrabble, loves halva, co-founded, and writes books from 5-9:


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