September 29, 2016 | Issue 32

Rabbis Master Baiting Kiki Riki Buyers

BNEI BRAK, ISRAEL — [] In the neverending quest to ban more and more items from everyday usage for all its constituents, particularly non-males, a group of preeminent Rabbis in Bnei Brak has declared Kiki Riki, the popular shell option for approximately 100% (margin of error: ~3%) of the opposite-male Jewish population.

"These Kiki Riki shells are extremely provocative," says Shloimahzalman Rosenwasser, head of the group he founded called Justifiably Excising Riki Kiki Sartoriality (J.E.R.K.S). "They could cause some men to lose mastery of their domain, if you know what I mean."

When reporting staff advised that they didn't know what was meant, Rosenwasser became more explicit.

"The way these items of clothing contour the shapes of the not-men people, it could cause some of the men people to lose their status as king of the county."

Reporters on scene could not yet decipher Mr. Rosenwasser's meaning, and a deputy, Booruchaim Zonnenfeld was called in to explain.

"It's like this," said Zonnenfeld, "if we allow aren't-men to wear these items, which carefully address the comely shapes of the anti-men folk, it could lead to losing Lordship of the manor."

Utterly confused, reporters pressed on, asking for better information on the proposed ban.

"Okay, look, our queens of the castle shoulnd't be allowed to wear these things because if one looks upon them..." Zonnenfeld said before excusing himself to the bathroom.

"OKay, that's it. I'm out of the contest." He said upon his return.


Pencil Martin Bodek is short, dark, handsome, runs marathons (finishes them too!), can solve a Rubik's Cube in 1:47, is a big TED chasid, can whup your keister in Scrabble, loves halva, co-founded, and writes books from 5-9:


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