December 1, 2005 | Issue 24

Rabbis Issue Hot Air (Guidelines)

BROOKLYN, NEW YORK — [] For reasons yet to be explained in drashas, a regrettable side effect of New Orleans being punished for their sodomite ways is the forecasted high heating costs this winter, which are expected to affect yidden everywhere in the Brooklyn area. Newly married local couple Yochie and Frummie Freeloderman put it best, “Our parents work hard so that we can buy classy sheitels. Why should the electric company get the money? They don’t need sheitels!” When informed that most local heat comes from natural gas, Yochie suggested more cholent at kiddush.

To combat this dilemma an ad-hoc committee of local rebbeim issued a number of guidelines to lower home heating costs. The major points are as follows:

  • A new batch of book burnings can generate some heat. Books targeted this time will be books with untzniusdik pictures, primarily children's books that depict tzaddikim such as Avraham, Yitchak, Yaakov and Moshe in turbans or other non Italian head coverings. “Would it have been that hard to draw the Borsalinos that they bevadai wore?” asked one senior member of the committee.

  • In the same vein, it has been a while since we had a good wig burning. The committee declared that Europeans are now considered apikorsim, thus giving pyromaniac husbands the opportunity to burn their wives European sheitels.

  • To truly remember the miracle of Chanukah, each candle should burn for eight days.

  • All chasidic men must wear an extra bekeshe. All misnagdish men must now wear a single bekeshe. All modern orthodox men can freeze. When asked about non-orthodox men, goyim and women, the spokesman for the committee responded, “Who’s that now?”

  • A fund will be set up to subsidize any new hocker businesses relating to ways to save your energy. Requests for donations cleverly masked as godol sanctioned requests to save the life of babies will be mailed out in the coming weeks.

  • An extra “Prayer for the Utility of Con-Ed” will be added to the Shabbos Shacharis davening in between the “Prayer for the Welfare of the Water Filters” and the “Prayer to Give Us the Wisdom to Come Up with More Prayers.”


Pencil Due to his low pay by, David Friedman heats his house by burning bumper stickers.


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