February 1, 2005 | Issue 18

Purim Postponed Due to Inclement Weather

BROOKLYN, NY — [TheKnish.com] In response to a freezing cold winter the likes of which haven’t been seen for at least a year, top Rabbis everywhere have agreed to postpone the holiday of Purim (or “Purim” as gentiles call it). This has been the first thing rabbis have agreed upon since the Talmud came to the conclusion, “Tov Adam Shelo Nivra,” (literally, “it would have been better if people had not been created at all”). In fact, not all the rabbis of the time agreed that the holiday of Purim should be established in the first place. But they do agree that, whatever it is, they do not want it in the middle of the winter.

“It’s too d—n cold outside,” said one top rabbi, who asked to remain anonymous. “Even with the long coat.”

Rabbis pointed out that for years Purim has been trying to creep into the middle of the winter, and it has been the Rabbis’ job to keep it at bay, sometimes using garden implements. They have thus decided to push it forward into a non-existent month, and then to create the month around it, naming it “Adar II” after the first Adar, which has proven to be popular with people of most age groups.

For the most part Jews everywhere have agreed with the decision of the Rabbis. Many children cited the fact that on some particularly cold years their mothers have made them wear coats over their costumes. “It was no fun at all,” said one little boy before his mother reminded him not to talk to strangers. “I had to keep telling people who I was. ‘I’m Superman! Can’t you see the boots?’ And then my Daddy got drunk and wrote ‘Simchas Purim’ in the snow. With beer, I think.”

Some, however, disagree with the Rabbis’ decision, and not just out of spite. Postponing Purim this year, as it turns out, has moved it to a Friday, which some say is almost as bad as a frozen shalach manos. Many cited concerns such as not being able to give out Shalach Manos to the entire Eastern Seaboard in the allotted time, bumping into the Tomche Shabbos delivery guys, many of whom have taken to wearing costumes and waiting for tips, and, above all, coming to shul on Shabbos with eyebrows or whiskers still painted on their faces in what turned out to be permanent marker. Some, however, agree that there is no better way to sing “Eishes Chayil” than while drunk.

Rabbis hope to alleviate concerns by establishing a smaller Purim, or “Purim Kattan” if you will, which, as always, will go unnoticed by the general public, aside from the half-baked question, about a week later, of, “Were we supposed to eat matzo or something?”

Writer

Pencil Mike Schmutter is an aspiring humor writer, in that he writes humor, but lacks the ability to get people to pay him for it. “So can I have some money?” “Ha, ha! Funny one, Mike!” He has therefore taken a job in a different, less exciting field, and tries to write in his spare time, which is scarce, because of the job. He is currently working on a novel he describes as “a sci-fi fantasy historical fiction mystery adventure suspense thriller including, if we can fit it in, a plot of some kind." He’d tell you more, but chances are you’d be able to steal the idea and get it published before he can even finish naming the characters - maybe if you send him some money.


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