Paskesz Crumbles in Cookie Monster Scandal
SESAME STREET, BRONX — [TheKnish.com] Paskesz, the premiere purveyor of kosher baked goods, has laid off head baker, Cookie Monster, and accountant, The Count, amidst allegations of financial and culinary chicanery.
A sprinkle of rumors had been swirling after Paskesz's latest SEC filing showed inconsistencies in the cookie department's inventory. The firings came after evidence surfaced corroborating the rumor of a long-simmering accounting racket covering up Cookie Monster's legendary proclivities.
The spotlight on the goings-on has brought to light the true nature of Cookie's cravings: a genetic vitamin deficiency. Cookie lacks the genes to make Vitamin CK and must eat cookies to supplement his diminished natural supply. Symptoms of CK deficiency include manic activity, loss of verbal proficiency (evidenced by confused grammar) and blue hair. Sufferers of this debilitating disease are known to react irrationally violent when presented with the object of their affliction.
Early reports indicate that the infractions began on Pesach 5762, the first Pesach after Cookie Monster was hired. The Paskesz factory was shut down, as it does every year for the week of Pesach, due to lack of demand. Cookie, who according to his lawyers is makpid on cholov yisroel, was forced to get his fix elsewhere. He succumbed to the temptations of cholov stam and ate 32 pounds of Entenmann's finest, in direct violation of his contract with Paskesz. After that, it was all downhill. That minor indiscretion set him back years of discipline and he secretly began eating on the job.
The inventory discrepancy between made and shipped cookies was masterfully covered by Paskesz's accountant The Count. "He only ate four, four cookies, ah ah ah," said The Count. No one dared challenge him. "His bats really gave him an air of unapproachability," said the chief mashgiach, Zev Fisher.
Cookie Monster's lawyers are using a variation of the infamous "Twinkie defense," saying that sugar cookies had diminished his mental capacity.
Reporters caught up with Cookie as he was being transported to Cookies Anonymous to treat his ailments, which include depression over the firing.
"Me want job back," he said. "Paskesz not fair to me. Me need cookie, cookie! Ahhhhh, num num num num num!"
Mordy Ovits did standup once. They laughed at him. They all laughed at him. You can email your laughter to him at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Martin Bodek is short, dark, handsome, runs marathons (finishes them too!), can solve a Rubik's Cube in 1:47, is a big TED chasid, can whup your keister in Scrabble, loves halva, co-founded TheKnish.com, and writes books from 5-9: http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/mbodekatgmaildotcom
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