April 1, 2004 | Issue 10

Palestinian Militants Run Out of Funny Excuses for Suicide Missions

WEST BANK, ISRAEL — [TheKnish.com] After accompanying each of their 21,000 Israel bombings with excuses ranging from the silly ("How dare you defend yourself against our attacks?") to the downright hilarious ("How dare you accuse us of sending teenagers to blow themselves up? They're ten to twelve!"), Palestinian militants have cooled off their attacks while they search for new excuses.

One of the main difficulties in searching for good excuse material is that all the young, funny, up-and-coming excuse writers have blown themselves up, leaving a gaping void in their blow-up comedian circuit.

Another problem with securing better excuse material is that, in several cases, multiple excuses have been used for one bombing. This used up valuable excuses which might have been put to good use at a future bombing.

For now Palestinian officials are scouring pre-schools and sonograms for fresh minds and fresh walking bombs. The fact that the best excuse material comes from the most skilled suicide bombers is a catch-22 they're forced to live with (or actually, to die with).

Meantime, Palestinian adults are penning excuses with unfunny results. Lame ones like, "How dare you stop ambulances that are loaded with explosives?" and "How dare you defuse our bombs before they explode?", just won't cut it for the PLO, but they pledge to have new excuse material pretty soon. These lame excuses just bomb, and they would much rather have excuses which are um, to die for.


Pencil Martin Bodek is short, dark, handsome, runs marathons (finishes them too!), can solve a Rubik's Cube in 1:47, is a big TED chasid, can whup your keister in Scrabble, loves halva, co-founded TheKnish.com, and writes books from 5-9: http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/mbodekatgmaildotcom


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