May 1, 2004 | Issue 11

Palestinian Militants Protest America's Illegal Occupation of Mars

WEST BANK, MARS — [] America's invasion of disputed Palestinian territory on Mars has been met with stiff resistance from militant groups in the area. A Marstifada was declared and violence has reigned in the region for several months.

Hamars took credit for the destruction of the NASA Polar Lander by claiming that, "Americans are infidels and their little rolling robot thingies must die."

Marzbollah claimed responsibility for destroying Britain's Beagle II mission, claiming that, "Great Britain and its American ally are attempting to illegally occupy our territory, which is sandy, as you can see, which is much like our land, it is ours, we have been there for thousands of years and they must die."

Marslamic Jihad reveled in the elimination of the Mars Global Surveyor, boasting that, "The infidels attempted to take pictures of the face on Mars, which is the face of Allah, who is most high and mighty and exalted and supreme and - hey Ahmed, hand me the Thesaurus."

The Al-Aqsa Marstyrs Brigade has taken to bombing landing spots for rolling explorers, hampering surveyors such as Spirit and Opportunity from crawling out of the craters and rolling too far.

The Mars Liberation Organization (MLO) promises that the bombing of Mars will continue until either the infidels leave or all the little rolling robots are shoved into the sea.

When reporters pointed out that there was no sea, the MLO responded by saying, "Huh? What the hell? Eh forget it, let's go back home, it's no fun here."


Pencil Martin Bodek is short, dark, handsome, runs marathons (finishes them too!), can solve a Rubik's Cube in 1:47, is a big TED chasid, can whup your keister in Scrabble, loves halva, co-founded, and writes books from 5-9:


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