March 1, 2006 | Issue 25

N.I.D.D.A.P.C.S. Program Introduced in Lakewood

article pic LAKEWOOD, NEW JERSEY — [] In an effort to reach a compromise with adults upset about their Internet ban, Lakewood rabbis have created a new program: No Internet During Days After Periodic Computer Shutdown (N.I.D.D.A.P.C.S.). Under the new program, PCs with Internet access are put on a monthly schedule. For an approximately two week-long period every month (depending on model) the computer's I/O ports are off-limits.

After the first 5 to 7 days of shutdown (again, depending on the model), the PC would run a nightly self-check routine to search for offending material. If no shmutz is found, the PC would then be available for use. Should the entry be questionably shmutzadik, the PC will print out a sheet to be taken to a Rabbi for inspection.

The rabbis responded to criticism of the program saying, "We are not technophobes, we love and respect computers. However, they are like pots of filth." They said the regulations really serve to bring user and computer closer together and that the forced abstinence is good for you. They added that "NIDDAPCS Night" is more special after the long wait (and suggest the children be put to sleep early so that home users can have the PC all to themselves.)

Because the rules are so complicated there are training classes for new computer owners. A major rule they learn is that the computer may not be turned on during the forbidden weeks. PDAs are forbidden too, as they are prone to cause general protection faults. The classes are also used as an opportunity to teach basic computing skills, helping neophytes learn to push all the right buttons. Some classes will optionally cover the rules governing safe software exchange.

There are rumors of the unplugged seeking other outlets. Stories circulate of users resorting to manual operation during the dry spell. Most famously, local yungerman Zecharia "Zokef" Kefufim was alleged to be having recourse with professionals; he was seen leaving an Internet cafe. When confronted by reporters about the allegation, the accused said, "What can I say? I got a laptop dance. I have a big hard drive. It was just email, not a real session."


Pencil Mordy Ovits did standup once. They laughed at him. They all laughed at him. You can email your laughter to him at

Pencil Martin Bodek is short, dark, handsome, runs marathons (finishes them too!), can solve a Rubik's Cube in 1:47, is a big TED chasid, can whup your keister in Scrabble, loves halva, co-founded, and writes books from 5-9:


comment justme said...

that was the funniest thing i ever read. thanks for giving me a laugh. (it was also incredibly inappropriate- i'm a little ashamed i understood it all)

January 6, 2009 at 2:45 a.m.

comment Martin Bodek said...

We're flattered by your comments, and we're especially proud of our successful combined effort. Thank you.

Mind you though, it was absolutely appropriate and you shouldn't be ashamed at all. :-)

January 6, 2009 at 7:04 p.m.

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