N.I.D.D.A.P.C.S. Program Introduced in Lakewood

LAKEWOOD, NEW JERSEY — [TheKnish.com] In an effort to reach a compromise with adults upset about their Internet ban, Lakewood rabbis have created a new program: No Internet During Days After Periodic Computer Shutdown (N.I.D.D.A.P.C.S.). Under the new program, PCs with Internet access are put on a monthly schedule. For an approximately two week-long period every month (depending on model) the computer's I/O ports are off-limits.

After the first 5 to 7 days of shutdown (again, depending on the model), the PC would run a nightly self-check routine to search for offending material. If no shmutz is found, the PC would then be available for use. Should the entry be questionably shmutzadik, the PC will print out a sheet to be taken to a Rabbi for inspection.

The rabbis responded to criticism of the program saying, "We are not technophobes, we love and respect computers. However, they are like pots of filth." They said the regulations really serve to bring user and computer closer together and that the forced abstinence is good for you. They added that "NIDDAPCS Night" is more special after the long wait (and suggest the children be put to sleep early so that home users can have the PC all to themselves.)

Because the rules are so complicated there are training classes for new computer owners. A major rule they learn is that the computer may not be turned on during the forbidden weeks. PDAs are forbidden too, as they are prone to cause general protection faults. The classes are also used as an opportunity to teach basic computing skills, helping neophytes learn to push all the right buttons. Some classes will optionally cover the rules governing safe software exchange.

There are rumors of the unplugged seeking other outlets. Stories circulate of users resorting to manual operation during the dry spell. Most famously, local yungerman Zecharia "Zokef" Kefufim was alleged to be having recourse with professionals; he was seen leaving an Internet cafe. When confronted by TheKnish.com reporters about the allegation, the accused said, "What can I say? I got a laptop dance. I have a big hard drive. It was just email, not a real session."

Writers

Mordy Ovits did standup once. They laughed at him. They all laughed at him. You can email your laughter to him at movits@theknish.com.

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Martin Bodek is short, dark, handsome, run marathons (finishes them too!), can solve a Rubik's Cube in 1:47, is a big TED chasid, can whup your keister in Scrabble, loves Halva, and co-founded TheKnish.com.

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