January 1, 2005 | Issue 17

New Tzedakah to Attract Gullible People

BORO PARK, BROOKLYN — [TheKnish.com] A mass advertising campaign, including billboards, newspaper ads and a team of hundreds of shnorers of all shapes and sizes armed with thousands of laminated sheets, has been launched to promote the newly created Tzedakat Hascam.

This new opportunity, which guarantees a direct route to olam habah, allows each and every Jew to give tzedakah and receive both a tax exemption and a bracha from a holy man.* The holy man will travel by foot in the snow, uphill both ways, to a holy location in a holy city to pray for all the worthy baalei tzedakah.

If the Internet was not mamesh asur, there would be a website at TzedakatHascam.org for true stories of how the brachas from the tzaddik changed the lives of past contributers.

(*Tzedakat Hascam reserves the right to replace the holy man with another guy of Tzedakat Hascam’s choosing, including but not limited to homeless people, convicted felons or graduates of YU. The term “holy” in this context refers solely to the condition of the man’s clothing, specifically undergarments, and in no way is meant to represent the man's soul, unless it is referring to the soles of his shoes. “Holy city” refers to Boro Park Ir Hakadosh. “Holy Location” refers to the holy man’s bathroom. “Uphill both ways” refers to the pile of dirty laundry blocking the bathroom door. “Snow” refers to the dandruff on said laundry. “Olam habah” refers to either Shamayim or Gehenom. Tzedakat Hascam reserves the right to determine who is a “worthy baalei tzedakah." The “true stories” on our website, had it existed, are actually bold-faced lies. If the amount of the donation is unsatisfactory, Tzedakat Hascam reserves the right to convert the bracha into a klalah. All proceeds of this tzedakah go to benefit needy people, in particular the holy man and his friends when their wives are in niddah. We will send you a bill for the administrative costs. To receive tax exemptions, contributors must use an accountant approved by Tzedakat Hascam. By donating to Tzedakat Hascam, you agree to further solicitation by this and other related tzedakahs, as well as personal visits by our affiliated shnorers. You further agree to let these aforementioned shnorers crash in your house, eat all your food, date your daughter and steal your children’s drawings to be recycled into laminated sheets. Potential donors may not ask why, if the tzaddik’s brachas are so powerful, he couldn’t just pray for the recipients of the tzedakah directly. This tzedakah is not endorsed by TheKnish.com or its affiliates.)

Writer

Pencil David Friedman’s undergarments have holes in them. Please send him some money.


0 Comments

Commenting is disabled

search Search The Knish:


tool Article tools:

Print this article Print this article
Email this article Email this article
More by David Friedman More by David Friedman

cloud1

Also In Issue 17

Random Stories

cloud2

Knish Classifieds

Crown Heights sect looking for new leader. Messiah complex a big plus! Call (718) 555 6242.

Knish Horoscope

Taleh/Aries: You will have trouble getting your tefillin shel rosh positioned right.

cloud3

Bush II Do you like satire? Do you like the Bible? Do you like politics? Do you like them all together at the same time? Now, for the first time ever, you can kill all three birds with one stone. Bush II, Book I is the King James Version of the first term of George W. Bush. Buy it and multitask like never before.