April 1, 2007 | Issue 27

New Pesach Hotel Package Introduces Separate Rooming

ELIZABETH, NEW JERSEY — [TheKnish.com] Just in time for the next rabbinic ban season, Frummerthanthou tours has once again shown itself to be the leader in Chumradik innovations. They have concocted a new Pesach package that would make the kosher circus seem like a peep show.

The major innovation of next year’s Pesach package is the introduction of separate rooming, with separate men’s and women’s wings. As the Frummerthanthou marketing material puts it, “Last year you were only separated during davening, sedarim, meals, shiurim, swimming and off site trips. Next year you don’t have to see your nagging wife/annoying husband for the entire chag!”

When selecting separate rooming, you will be assigned to a room with half a dozen to a dozen other random guests of the same gender. Frummerthanthou does not guarantee that these other guests do not stink like a mixture of last week’s cholent and the stuff you find under the fridge (if you actually stayed home and cleaned your house for Pesach). They also trust that you understand that most Frummerthanthou guests do not hold by showering in the month of Nissan. Frummerthanthou also does not guarantee that you will not be put in a room with guests who will insist on “snuggling”.

The event will take place at the luxurious “No Vacancy Motel” in an industrial park just outside of fabulous Elizabeth, New Jersey. As “No Vacancy Motel” currently only has one wing, a complex of tents will be put up in the neighboring landfill for the Women.

Other innovations include:

  • Mandatory 24/7 shiurim.
  • Opaque window coverings to shelter against the sun, sleeveless women and the outside world in general.
  • Disgruntled yeshiva bochurim with whips to give you incentive to eat the right shiur of matzah/marror/wine within the allotted time span. (Exact shiur/time span to be determined by the disgruntled yeshiva bochurim with whips.)
  • Optional chol hamoed excursion to Newark airport for those of marriageable age (17-19).
The cost of the package is approximately double the cost of the standard Pesach packages featuring the “Rooms of Toevah” but if you are one of the first 100 to sign up, Frummerthanthou will rebate you 75% of what you paid in shares of Gan Eden.

Writer

Pencil David Friedman is a regular contributor to TheKnish who still has not been paid enough for a can of macaroons let alone enough to go to a hotel for Pesach. Don’t even think of mailing me a box of macaroons. But if you do, I like chocolate chip.


1 Comment

comment Jason Morgan said...

Very VERY well done!

January 6, 2009 at 2:52 p.m.

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