August 1, 2003 | Issue 3

New England Parents Concerned Over Average Child

BOSTON, MA — [] Rachel and Nathan Shachter are enduring a nightmare of biblical proportions. Their child Isaac, 4 years of age, is completely average in every sense of the word.

Rachel knew something was awry immediately upon giving birth to their child. He didn't cry too loudly and he didn't cry too softly. He just whimpered a bit. When the doctors weighed him, he was neither too heavy nor too light. As was his height, not too tall, not too short.

"You don't understand what a horror this is!" exclaims Rachel, "All my friends get to brag about how big their baby is, or how smart, or how tall, and how their babies are in all these percentiles or whatever. My baby's boring, I have no naches from him whatsoever."

Things got worse as Isaac began to age. His hair was not longer than all his friends. His eyes weren't the prettiest, his laugh wasn't the funniest and his complexion was not the most olive.

Nathan Shachter took matters into his own hands when his wife's stress reached unimaginable levels, placing her in physical danger. He ferried the child to doctors and professionals all over the U.S. trying to find something unique that his wife could brag about to her friends.

A miracle occurred in Miamonides Medical Center where Dr. Aaron Gluck discovered that the child was so perfectly average that it was completely off the scale. When Nathan delivered the news to Rachel, she was overjoyed and finally willing to try to have another baby, despite the possibility that it may be born average as well.

Nowadays, when Rachel's friends brag about their children's grades or toys or looks, Rachel proudly says, "Oh yeah, well my child is more average than yours! So ha!"


Pencil Martin Bodek is short, dark, handsome, runs marathons (finishes them too!), can solve a Rubik's Cube in 1:47, is a big TED chasid, can whup your keister in Scrabble, loves halva, co-founded, and writes books from 5-9:


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