June 1, 2003 | Issue 1

Mayor Bloomberg Declares Other Cities Axis of Evil

NEW YORK, NY — [TheKnish.com] Mayor Bloomberg declared today that Miami, Denver and Newark are an "Axis of Evil" that must be dealt with. "These cities have trampled on all that we hold dear for long enough," the NYC Mayor stated.

Aides said that he originally was only going to include Miami and Denver in the Axis, but he realized that all Axis's need at least three members. "We were thinking of a possible third city the whole night," Jane Suitour, Bloomberg's chief of staff, explained. "We finally decided on Newark just because they have a funny sounding name."

Bloomberg said he felt Miami and Denver were "a bit too uppity" and he wanted to show them that "New York City rules." He continued, "I will not stop until they admit that New York City is the Greatest City in the World. We will not negotiate to be fourth, third or even second to the greatest. You can't negotiate with these type of regimes."

He stressed that he doesn't only have a problem with the city's regime but with the population also. He even brought an example of a Denver resident being a bit too "uppity." Bloomberg stated, "Jack Threskon, from Denver, was reported to have said to his friends very negative comments about New York. We have very good intelligence that he constantly ridicules the accent of New Yorker's. This is an outrage!"

"We are gathering together a coalition of the willing," Bloomberg continued. Although he didn't specify which cities might join, administration officials pointed to Kansas City and Baltimore as possibilities. It was explained that those cities have low self-esteem so they admit to NYC being the greatest.

Writer

Pencil Chaim Y got the ball rolling, so you owe him big. He co-founded the TheKnish.com with Martin Bodek, a day which will forever live in famy. His hobbies include gum-chewing, bubblewrap-popping, and comparing chometz horror stories. He lives in a city with people.


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