December 1, 2005 | Issue 24

Lakewood Sweeps 5,382,299th Annual Stone Age Awards

article pic LAKEWOOD, NEW JERSEY — [] The stars came out last night to celebrate the best of backwards thinking in the Jewish world. Luminaries such as the Chumradika Rav and the Fachnyukte Rebbetzin were on hand for the proceedings and witnessed an awards coup like none other in the award show's history.

Nominated for 87 out of a possible 124 categories, Lakewood took every award home with them, knocking Bnei Brak down from its reign as leader in Stone Age mentality, a mantle they had held for 33 consecutive years.

A sampling of the awards Lakewood won was "Best Efforts to Marginalize People Who Don't Follow the Yeshiva's Direct Orders", "Best Form of Social Control that Kim Jong-Il Would be Proud of" and "Best Effort to Make Jewish People Indistinquishable from the Amish."

The awards show, originally titled the Ice Age Awards before that era ended, was not telecast, aired, photographed or fed over the Internet because all forms of media are illegal according to Lakewood's interpretation of Jewish law.

Some reporters snuck in to record the event but were banished from the auditorium because the camera straps carried by news cameramen were similar to bra-straps and hence violated the edict of wearing women's clothing.

What they did manage to catch during their brief stay were some performances that included Rebbeim smashing Internet routers, subliminal seminars on effective mind control and a Lakewood Boys Choir rendition of the new smash, "Litvaks are Chasidim Now".

While accepting the award for "Best Halachic Oppression of a Community", Rav Issur Gamur, the Lakewood Rebbe, said, "I am thrilled with this award. It means that the credo I set forth seven years ago - at the start of our reign - still holds true. And that is simply to declare everything new assur and to banish anything that makes women's lives easier. It's tradition!"

Tevye the Milkman immediately turned over in his grave.


Pencil Martin Bodek is short, dark, handsome, runs marathons (finishes them too!), can solve a Rubik's Cube in 1:47, is a big TED chasid, can whup your keister in Scrabble, loves halva, co-founded, and writes books from 5-9:


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