October 28, 2010 | Issue 31

Laining Fatality Rate Totally Unacceptable to Local Shul

BROOKLYN, NEW YORK — [TheKnish.com] For many weeks after the official 2009 laining casualty statistics came out this past September, conversation at Congregation Ben Adam L'Makom was about nothing else. The report showed that in 2009, there were 7 deaths due to poor laining. This was the lowest death rate since the shul’s inception in 1984. The report officially attributes the drop to a higher caliber of baalei kriah, but most congregants seem to disagree.

“People are just getting soft,” said “Bruno”, a congregant who did not want to use his real name in an interview with The Knish at the Kiddush Club. “For example, just this morning, the guy who lained Shlishi said Shem Hashem with a noy and not a noiy. At the Agudah down the road he would have been decapitated in ten seconds flat. Here, he got away with a few broken ribs and a minor concussion.” “A shanda, truly a shanda,” he added as he tenderly removed his brass knuckles and neatly placed them in his tallis bag. “It is the fault of those modernish so-called shuls. There you can have a blind female shoteh rabbi lain in English and not even the gabbai will correct them.” Bruno wiped the blood off of a baseball bat and placed it under his seat. “They don’t understand that it is the congregants' right and duty to make sure the laining is perfect at all costs…Hey Chaim, pass the herring sauce, I need to oil my nunchucks… Where was I? Oh yeah. To an outsider, it may seem like I am a sociopath with a heart of stone. I call it Yiras Shamayim. What’s wrong with that?”

According to the Chief Gabbai, new rules will go into affect to make sure laining standards go back to the way they were. A “Shabbos Metal Detector” is on order from Eichler's to make sure that all men are fully armed when entering the shul. There is even some consideration of allowing the women to throw Shabbos grenades (they throw it left-handed, a shinui) over the mechitzah as long as they don’t join in the shouting.

In a related story, the shul is still looking for a new rabbi, gabbai sheni, baal Musaf and cleaning lady due to the events surrounding the laining of Parshas Zachor.


Pencil David Friedman wants to make it absolutely clear that any resemblance to any private individuals, living or dead, is entirely coincidental. But just to make sure, he will refrain from laining for the time being.

1 Comment

comment Prag said...

Great satire! Now if only you were joking.

November 23, 2010 at 1 p.m.

Commenting is disabled

search Search The Knish:

tool Article tools:

Print this article Print this article
Email this article Email this article
More by David Friedman More by David Friedman


Also In Issue 31

Random Stories


Knish Classifieds

Snoods for sale, all colors and fabrics available, all equally hideous. 917-555-1212

Knish Horoscope

Taleh/Aries: You will have trouble getting your tefillin shel rosh positioned right.


Bush II Do you like satire? Do you like the Bible? Do you like politics? Do you like them all together at the same time? Now, for the first time ever, you can kill all three birds with one stone. Bush II, Book I is the King James Version of the first term of George W. Bush. Buy it and multitask like never before.