March 1, 2006 | Issue 25

Kashering Dishes to Avoid Broadcasting Television

article pic BROOKLYN, NEW YORK — [TheKnish.com] Have your children's schools made you get rid of your television and now you're feeling left out of the discussions during Shachris? I know I was. Lost, House and Desperate Housewives are no more; I've been at a loss for words at davening ever since my daughter's school handed out quizzes to the first graders about televisions. All around me the latest dirt about Miranda's pregnancy and Sawyer's gun run fills the spaces between amens, but I'm stuck saying Alenu all by my lonesome. Do they just read TV Guide, I wondered? After all, their daughters go to the same school as mine.

Finally I asked what their secret was. White collar crime as it turns out, but that's not how they watched the shows. They let me in on the hottest new product on the market: the Chasser-Dish from frumphonies.com. Invented by electronics genius Alex Dornhelm, the Chasser-Dish is a microwave-transparent housing for antennas. The patented material is completely transparent to the satellite's radiowaves, but opaque to visible light and shapeable into any form. Alex's flash of inspiration came when he realized his newly invented material could be used to make faux air conditioners and chimneys that completely disguise the giveaway dish.

"When frum parents talk about TV's danger to children, they don't mean to their minds, they mean to their shidduch prospects," said Alex. "In the old days, you just brought the TV home in a microwave box, or, if it was a big-screen, a dishwasher box, safe from prying eyes. But now all the good shows are on DirecTV or Dish Network, which requires a bulky and, to the point, visible satellite dish on the outside of your house. Which is the only side that matters, of course."

Frumphonies.com's service is excellent and your privacy is their first priority. Installation vans are disguised as social services, welfare and Tomchei Shabbos vans so no one will suspect a thing. Custom jobs are available too, if an AC unit won't cover it. "I had a full-size satellite dish on my roof, so they covered it with a 'sukkah'," said an anonymous satisfied customer. "I look twice as frum now."

I've placed my order and I'm looking forward to rejoining the minyan. Protect your children's marriage prospects with an antenna hide from frumphonies.com, and you'll see that they live up to their motto: Great reception and a great reception.

Writer

Pencil Mordy Ovits did standup once. They laughed at him. They all laughed at him. You can email your laughter to him at movits@theknish.com.


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