January 1, 2005 | Issue 17

Jews Protest Friday Christmas Eves

NEW YORK, NY — [TheKnish.com] Jews in the northeastern United States have been virulently protesting the fallout of the scheduling of Christmas 2004 and all future Christmas Eves that occur on Friday. TheKnish.com sat down with Matthew Paul, chairman of JACOF (Jews Against Christmaseve on Friday) to determine the reasons for their grievances.

"Christmas Eve on Friday is unacceptable," began Mr. Paul. "For one, Jews perform an annual pilgrimage to Atlantic City on Christmas Eve. Friday night is the Sabbath, making travel impossible. Our standing agreement with Atlantic City casinos to keep revenues rolling while Christians are celebrating their holiday is seriously compromised."

"And it doesn't end there," continued Mr. Paul, while growing continually exasperated. "Kosher Chinese restaurants depend on our business on Christmas Eve. Without us, they'd be seriously in the red. Besides further proving that we control the food industry as well, we miss out on this time-honored tradition. Our Shabbos meal cannot, by Jewish Law, consist of Chinese food. It must consists of challah, fish, soup, chicken and dessert. This clash of traditions still has not been laid to rest by our Rabbis and still provides us with a serious dilemma.

"And furthermore," continued Mr. Paul, growing blue in face, "most of corporate America gives their employees the day off on Friday, but during the winter Observant Jews leave work at about 9:00 AM on Fridays to make it home on time for Shabbos. It's a complete waste of a day off."

"Also," continued Mr. Paul, as our reporter performed CPR, "frequent clerical errors place some Jews on Santa's 'nice' list. However, some of his new shipping regulations include signing for packages. Observant Jews can't do that on Shabbos, leaving us without gifts until next year. The eight days of Chanukah gifts don't count. All we ever get is socks."

Writer

Pencil Martin Bodek is short, dark, handsome, runs marathons (finishes them too!), can solve a Rubik's Cube in 1:47, is a big TED chasid, can whup your keister in Scrabble, loves halva, co-founded TheKnish.com, and writes books from 5-9: http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/mbodekatgmaildotcom


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Deep Quote

"If you don't bren now, you'll bren later." --Your 9th grade Rebbe

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An comprehensive study in 1973 conclusively proved that exercise is goyish.

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