June 1, 2005 | Issue 21

Jewish Season Cancelled Due to Calendar Dispute

BROOKLYN, NY — [TheKnish.com] The Global Olam of Yidden (GOY) became the first major religion in the universe to lose an entire season because of a calendar disagreement. Commissioner Barry Gettman announced the cancellation of the 5756-5757 schedule after the Rabbinate and the Yidden's union failed to reach a collective bargaining agreement.

The decision was the culmination of a calendar dispute that began March 25, when the union would not agree to the Rabbinate's demand for Purim on Erev Shabbos, three day Passovers and nine forced vacation days in October due to the Yomim Noro'im smack in middle of every workweek.

The demise of the season creates enormous uncertainties for the GOY, which has strived unsuccessfully for years to move shavuot to weekends only, because their gentile co-workers have no idea what it is and mumble under their breaths when the Jewish guy takes off work AGAIN for some odd reason. The future of GOY is very much in doubt.

The Rabbinate remained obstinate in the calendar dispute. After months of rejecting a consecutive-days-of-Yom-Tov cap, the Rabbinate almost agreed to one this week, even as it held to its position that it had a right to announce four day yomim tovim at any time. A last-ditch effort to salvage the season was unsuccessful, as the olam and Rabbinate could not agree on a limit.

"Keep one thing perfectly clear: The olam never asked to keep their Indian hair sheitels, they never asked if copepods were permissible, they didn't mind separate garbages for milchigs and fleishigs, they were accustomed to blowtorching their braces before Pesach, they only asked for a normal calendar," said Hinei Matov, the executive director of a union representing the religion's 13,000,000 practitioners.

Gettman said the religion would turn its focus on returning for the 5756-5757 season, adding that while the religion would work to reach a collective calendar agreement with the union, it would leave all options open, presumably including hiring replacement Jews if a deal is not reached.

"Nobody knows what the damage to the religion will be," Gettman said. "I suspect we are going to have to do lots of things with our calendar. We're going to have to earn back the trust, love and affection of everybody who's associated with the religion. We're going to have to look at a completely different calendar model. The best deal that was on the table is now gone. And to think, for years nobody complained about Passover always being scheduled the same night The Ten Commandments was on TV. However, when Licha Dodi looked like Happy Hour because Purim was on Friday, it was the last straw for GOY. We'll be back."

Writer

Pencil Martin Bodek is short, dark, handsome, runs marathons (finishes them too!), can solve a Rubik's Cube in 1:47, is a big TED chasid, can whup your keister in Scrabble, loves halva, co-founded TheKnish.com, and writes books from 5-9: http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/mbodekatgmaildotcom


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