November 1, 2004 | Issue 15

Jewish Entertainment Industry Executive Marries Jewish Woman

HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA — [TheKnish.com] Hollywood hot-shot producer Shlomo Gabinsky (Friday the 13th: the Prequel, Thursday the 12th) announced his engagement to feminist activist Yenta Aronowitz. Tinseltown is reeling from the shock waves set off by this announcement. Industry executives told this reporter that Gabinsky’s career might be over as a result of his jumping ship.

“This just isn’t the way we do things here,” said one anonymous source named Stu Rabinovitz. “Who does he think he is, marrying an intelligent, educated Jewish woman? In this business, every Miller wants a Monroe. Where has he been? Next thing you know, Beverly Hills will be like some little shtetl in the Bronx!”

Gabinsky, who changed his name from Steven Gabriel to appear more ethnic, told us that he was bored with the skinny blue-eyed blonde starlets he met in Los Angeles. He dreamed of hooking up with a curvy, noisy Jewish woman, someone who reminded him of his mother.

“I dunno, call me crazy, but I wanted someone just like me. Yenta and I look like brother and sister, except she’s not balding. We’re both from New York and the first thing I loved about her was her nasal Queens accent. Her piercing, opinionated voice was such a turn-on after all those dull-as-dishwater soft-spoken southern gals I used to date.”

“They were so passive, never challenged me intellectually, and always insisted that I do all the talking. What man would want that? I always dreamed of a woman with a mind of her own who only laughs at my jokes when she thinks they’re funny.”

Enraging remarks like the above have already had repercussions among Hollywood’s elite. Rabinovitz’s membership in the Director’s Guild has been terminated and he can no longer get a booth at Spago’s.

Frieda Gabriel, Gabinsky’s mother, is devastated. “Is this what I sent him to Harvard for? I always dreamed my son would bring home a nice Gentile girl. Now my grandchildren will have dark eyes and frizzy hair. I won’t be able to hold my head up in the neighborhood.”

Shlomo has further alienated his peers with the following: “We wish to live simply, in accordance with the mantra, ’Less is More.’ We’ll be renting a cozy, slightly run-down, little 2-bedroom house and will drive second-hand Volvos. No McMansions or SUVs for us."

Gabinsky’s agent has not returned our phone calls, except to have an assistant say that, “Shlomo is suffering from delusions as a result of food poisoning and will be back to normal in no time at all.”

Writer

Pencil Annie Korzen (Seinfeld's Doris Klompus) tours world-wide with her solo show, Yenta Unplugged. Her humorous essays have aired on NPR's "Morning Edition", and will appear in http://www.freshyarn.com/, The Jewish Journal of Los Angeles, and Orange County Jewish Life. Drop by her website at http://www.anniekorzen.com/.


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