December 1, 2004 | Issue 16

Holy Sheet! Hits the Spot

BORO PARK, BROOKLYN — [] A new product is tearing up the market. Holy Sheet! was introduced just two weeks ago, but it's already shredding the competition. It's a bedsheet with The Hole precut into it.

Kayla Sheenstein, the inventor, said about her up and coming product, "It's such a patchke (hassle) to make them myself. I can never get the hole to be a perfect circle. I figured that I'm not the only one frustrated by it." Her mail-order business has been a rip-roaring success, with business quickly getting off the ground.

Some discreet inquiries by backed up her claims. "It's perfect for both positions," said Chayka Cohen, a satisfied customer. Shifra Polonowitz thought it was, "A real timesaver. Now I don't have to spend 20 minutes for 5 minutes."

At the behest of the Chumradika Rabbi, who paskened (ruled) that the sheet qualifies as a beged (garmet) for the man, the sheet has tzitzit (knotted fringes) on its four corners. From the rumors that reached this reporter's ears, the frisky tassels are being put to uses not envisioned by the illustrious rabbi.

Shipping options for the sheets are still being fleshed out. Ordering Holy Sheet! requires the buyer to specify two size options: twin, queen or king and small, medium or large. They are available in a variety of colors, but emphatically not white or red.


Pencil Mordy Ovits did standup once. They laughed at him. They all laughed at him. You can email your laughter to him at


comment Moshe Goetz said...

i like. they dont carry my size tho.

March 25, 2008 at 6:10 p.m.

comment Mordy Ovits said...

Never fear, the makers assure me than an extra-small option is coming soon--prematurely even.

March 26, 2008 at 8:10 p.m.

comment Moshe Goetz said...

alternatively, what i like to use, and always carry with me when i travel is the holy sheet standup edition that is versatile and can be used when needed, when ya just cant find a bed. simply ties around your neck like a conventional necktie, and has a convienient pull down menu for all different...users.
afterwards, simply pull down and it will automatically retract for next time you have a few seconds.

Also for you new age people who still want to uphold tradition, there is "holy sheet ultra", with holes all over, for those new and exciting positions your kallah teacher never dreamed of.

also coming soon is "holy sheet the door is unlocked" doorknob lubricant to keep the kids out when the lock doesnt work like it used to.

March 26, 2008 at 8:29 p.m.

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