November 12, 2008 | Issue 29

Hamodia Acknowledges Existence of Women

Brooklyn, New York — [TheKnish.com] In an unexpected reversal that anthropologists worldwide are calling groundbreaking, Hamodia, for the first time since it was launched in 3760 B.C.E., openly admitted to the existence of women following the release of the OU's NEKAIVEH (Nu Efsher Kaviyoochil Az Izdoo Vomen in Eylim Hazeh) initiative this October.

The announcement has wide-ranging implications for barefootedness and pregnancy.

"Women, precious-stone based life forms, are comprised of three trillion cells like men, but completely devoid of a penis, are naturally occurring phenomena usually covered with painted film and melt if given special treatment," Hamodia Editor-in-Chief Naomi Luxembourg told a stunned press corps. "As a leading newspaper, we can no longer afford to ignore the growing consensus of so many experts whose job it is to study our society. Women are real."

Because women, which were first described by the first man Adam as beings he referred to as "serpentius helpmatus," have long been denied by Jewish print media, the Editor-in-Chief's speech was widely hailed as a victory for advocates of empirically established scientific fact.

"This has been a major step forward for biology," said longtime female proponent and eighth-grade juggling teacher Mindy Lattesman. "By taking this brave stance, Hamodia has opened the door for the eventual acknowledgment that other biological constructs, such as goyim, for example, may in fact exist as well."

Many of those whom Hamodia has long considered to be its most loyal followers, however, have expressed disappointment with the development.

"There is nothing about any 'women' in the Bible in the parts where they're not mentioned," said Rabbi Carl Shlomobach of Bais Ahava U'Tefiloh in San Francisco. "What's next? Claims that we come from something other than storks? This has been a sad step backward for the Jewish nation."

A Hamodia spokesman was careful to categorize the announcement as "cautious," and reiterated that the Editor-in-Chief is still not ready to take any position on the existence of taxes, birth control, or a controversial idea held by many scientists and often referred to as "out of town."

Writer

Pencil Martin Bodek is short, dark, handsome, runs marathons (finishes them too!), can solve a Rubik's Cube in 1:47, is a big TED chasid, can whup your keister in Scrabble, loves halva, co-founded TheKnish.com, and writes books from 5-9: http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/mbodekatgmaildotcom


28 Comments

comment Zack F. said...

Perhaps you could introduce me to one of these fabled creatures?

November 12, 2008 at 11:57 p.m.

comment Avi said...

Women ? What exactly are women ? Do they smell nice, are they good to look at ? I never saw a picture of a woman in Hamodia, how are we even supposed to know that such creatures

November 13, 2008 at 7:10 p.m.

comment Wikipedia to the rescue! said...

Avi, see here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Women

November 13, 2008 at 7:26 p.m.

comment Ari Welcher said...

Hey Mordechai have been avidly reading this site over the past week.
Awesome!

November 18, 2008 at 12:22 a.m.

comment Martin Bodek said...

Why thank you! Come back often!

November 18, 2008 at 8:12 p.m.

comment Damama T said...

LOL! I'm so glad to know that I am officially real. Maybe that explains all that bulky bumpy stuff I bathe and clothe every day! LOL!!

December 31, 2008 at 4 p.m.

comment Pics please said...

Damama, photographic evidence is required.

December 31, 2008 at 4:20 p.m.

comment rotah said...

women in the velt chas vishalom

January 8, 2009 at 12:49 a.m.

comment tzvikrupka said...

roth you never heard of women

January 8, 2009 at 12:50 a.m.

comment roth said...

really bored

January 8, 2009 at 12:52 a.m.

comment aaron lander said...

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Yeahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!
Gigidee!

January 8, 2009 at 12:52 a.m.

comment roth said...

was up

January 8, 2009 at 12:52 a.m.

comment avi said...

woman exicted from the the beging of time

January 8, 2009 at 12:58 a.m.

comment avithe demon said...

vos a vomen

January 8, 2009 at 12:58 a.m.

comment Hirsh hater said...

i hate you

January 8, 2009 at 12:58 a.m.

comment tzvi said...

whattttttttttttttttttttttttt

January 8, 2009 at 12:59 a.m.

comment mashgiach said...

wat the heck is this? the novominsker rebbe shli'ta, at the agudah convention, spoke against blogs! and i can't believe aron lander posted a comment - i mean an MTA bachur!!

January 8, 2009 at 12:59 a.m.

comment Cooooooooooooooooooooooool said...

WAssAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAp

January 8, 2009 at 1 a.m.

comment mash said...

no mashgiach would possibly be on this site

January 8, 2009 at 1 a.m.

comment dude said...

are we doing any work now

January 8, 2009 at 1:01 a.m.

comment avi said...

this is not allowed at all this is wrose then facebook taking to girls everything

January 8, 2009 at 1:01 a.m.

comment Rabbi Gordan said...

Your all screwed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

January 8, 2009 at 1:02 a.m.

comment mooosh said...

avi cjange your name to avi the tzaddik

January 8, 2009 at 1:02 a.m.

comment avi said...

whats women? I like men

January 8, 2009 at 1:02 a.m.

comment roth said...

avi this is just as bad as facebook

January 8, 2009 at 1:02 a.m.

comment avi said...

roth your dead

January 8, 2009 at 1:04 a.m.

comment dina cohen said...

Is this a joke or for real.

February 4, 2009 at 3:44 p.m.

comment Martin Bodek said...

It's a joke - for real.

February 6, 2009 at 6:14 p.m.

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