Hamodia Acknowledges Existence of Women
Brooklyn, New York — [TheKnish.com] In an unexpected reversal that anthropologists worldwide are calling groundbreaking, Hamodia, for the first time since it was launched in 3760 B.C.E., openly admitted to the existence of women following the release of the OU's NEKAIVEH (Nu Efsher Kaviyoochil Az Izdoo Vomen in Eylim Hazeh) initiative this October.
The announcement has wide-ranging implications for barefootedness and pregnancy.
"Women, precious-stone based life forms, are comprised of three trillion cells like men, but completely devoid of a penis, are naturally occurring phenomena usually covered with painted film and melt if given special treatment," Hamodia Editor-in-Chief Naomi Luxembourg told a stunned press corps. "As a leading newspaper, we can no longer afford to ignore the growing consensus of so many experts whose job it is to study our society. Women are real."
Because women, which were first described by the first man Adam as beings he referred to as "serpentius helpmatus," have long been denied by Jewish print media, the Editor-in-Chief's speech was widely hailed as a victory for advocates of empirically established scientific fact.
"This has been a major step forward for biology," said longtime female proponent and eighth-grade juggling teacher Mindy Lattesman. "By taking this brave stance, Hamodia has opened the door for the eventual acknowledgment that other biological constructs, such as goyim, for example, may in fact exist as well."
Many of those whom Hamodia has long considered to be its most loyal followers, however, have expressed disappointment with the development.
"There is nothing about any 'women' in the Bible in the parts where they're not mentioned," said Rabbi Carl Shlomobach of Bais Ahava U'Tefiloh in San Francisco. "What's next? Claims that we come from something other than storks? This has been a sad step backward for the Jewish nation."
A Hamodia spokesman was careful to categorize the announcement as "cautious," and reiterated that the Editor-in-Chief is still not ready to take any position on the existence of taxes, birth control, or a controversial idea held by many scientists and often referred to as "out of town."
Martin Bodek is short, dark, handsome, runs marathons (finishes them too!), can solve a Rubik's Cube in 1:47, is a big TED chasid, can whup your keister in Scrabble, loves halva, co-founded TheKnish.com, and writes books from 5-9: http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/mbodekatgmaildotcom
Commenting is disabled
Search The Knish:
Article tools:Print this article
Email this article
More by Martin Bodek
Also In Issue 29
On This DayOn June 1, 1281, nothing bad happened to the Jews. Just kidding, of course something bad happened.
Knish HoroscopeMoznayim/Libra: Lay off the cholent, you'll be having surprise guests soon.