September 29, 2016 | Issue 32

A Good Woman is Hard to Find- Updated Tznius Laws Leave Jewish Women Unrecognizable

BORO PARK, BROOKLYN — [] Not since the hilarious biblical wedding mix up of Rachel and Leah has the Jewish community been so confounded. New modesty requirements have made it increasingly difficult to distinguish one charedi woman from another. Complete skin coverage, loose clothing, identical sheitels and an abundance of black garments are creating a lot of confusion for the already frustrated men of Boro Park. “I don’t have much to go on, and anyway I’m not allowed to look closely in case it’s not my wife,” says a recently married man who asked to be identified as “Sruli.” For a short while Sruli was able to identify his bride because she was the only woman in the neighborhood without a stroller but since the birth of their first child he now has no clue. “I thought I saw her in the kitchen yesterday but it turned out to be my mother-in-law. Hashem yishmor.”

Small children have been seen wandering lost in supermarkets murmuring “Mommy, mommy, mommy…” listlessly as they pull on the long black skirt of one woman after another without hope. Without the sound of their mothers’ voices at an audible level, the scent of their perfume, or any identifiable clothing or hairstyles to use as guides - it has become the responsibility of the mothers to find their own toddlers as they wander the aisles surviving on unwashed grapes and the dregs of their sippy cups.

Some locals have found themselves luckier than others. “Baruch Hashem my wife was born with a dark birthmark covering most of her face” says area man Kalman Z. “I was a little concerned about it when we first met but it’s turned out to be a real bracha. My Aunt Shaindy has a limp from a car accident when she was young, I can usually spot her as well.”

The local police have received several missing persons reports since the new injunctions were put into place. Several calls have been made to the 66th precinct by frantic husbands only to discover later that the woman in question was actually at home speaking too quietly to be heard and mistaken for a pile of dark laundry in the corner. Detective Burt Krakowski has recommended name tags to help identify the women and take some pressure off the police force but the suggestion has been dismissed by an all-male rabbinical task force as “a gross misunderstanding of what it means to be a Jewish woman.”


Pencil Shifra is the most fabulous correspondent. Raised in specially-built awesomeness schools, she broke the world record for coolness by age 14. By 18 she had cornered the market on hipness, with hotness rising faster than her numerous suitors' ardor. Her current age is top secret for reasons of national security, understandable given China's well-known government-sponsored fabulousness industry. You can reach her at her undisclosed (but fabulous) location by emailing


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