April 1, 2005 | Issue 20

God Kills the Angel of Death

article pic BROOKLYN, NY — [TheKnish.com] Who kills the Angel of Death? God does, that’s who. In an act that stunned Satan worshippers everywhere, The Almighty axed the Angel of Death by freezing over Gehinom, causing an unusually cold winter for everyone on Earth, or at least everyone in the New York Metropolitan area.

The excitement began a few days ago, when a Jersey father purchased a small goat for two zuzim, plus shipping and handling. Why he bought this goat was unclear, but witnesses say he was trying to prove a point to his wife, who had recently announced that she wanted “more kids.” Within hours, the goat was swallowed whole by a neighborhood cat, which is the kind of thing that happens when you skimp on a goat.

Instantly an alert was put out on the cat, which was reported to be the size of a Buick. The cat was eventually attacked by an extremely hungry dog, which had suddenly found himself with nothing to lick off the floors for an entire week of the year. From there, one thing led to another, and before you knew it, God was killing the Malach Hamaves.

“I’m not sure how it happened,” one neighbor reported. “It all went down so quickly. I’m the type of guy who can only understand a long story if you add the new elements one at a time, each time repeating all of the elements that happened before. All I know is that I seem to be missing my favorite stick.”

“I just want everyone to know that I was NOT taking sides,” said God, who appeared to this reporter in a dream after he had finished the requisite four cups. “But the Angel has to know that you don’t just go around killing people because you feel like it. We’re living in a society, for people’s sake! The last time this happened, I had to do the whole Makas Bechoros myself.”

God announced that he is now seeking a replacement Angel of Death, and TheKnish.com has offered to run His ad free of charge and for no reason at all. God also said that if applications are too numerous, he would narrow down the field to about sixteen applicants and then fire them one at a time based on their performance of various tasks, the first of which is retrieving the goat.


Pencil Mike Schmutter is a humor writer for TheKnish.com, and gets paid in stickers, each of which say--get this--“TheKnish.com”. Mike has no idea what to do with these stickers, because he doesn’t want to ruin any of his possessions, such as his car, the bumper of which stays on mainly through prayer. He also has no real interest in minor vandalism. If you would like one of his stickers, you can contact him at mschmutter@gmail.com and he will supply you with payment information. Be warned, though, that the stickers may be expensive, as Mike is trying for a minivan. Editor's note: Mike will now be paid in buttons that say--get this--"TheKnish.com", due to his Coach Class writer's status. First Class writers get t-shirts that say--get this--"TheKnish.com".


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