March 1, 2004 | Issue 9

Freak Mikvah Accident Creates First Jewish Superheroes

WILLIAMSBURG, BROOKLYN — [] Five months after a freak explosion in a popular hasidic mikvah endowed five mikvagoers and one passerby with paranormal superhuman powers, forensic specialists have concluded the cause.

Apparently Yankel Aisik Beerenbum visited the mikvah after a bris, but forgot to wash mayim achronim, leaving salt residue on his hands. On his beard were some orange juice drops that he neglected to brush out. Upon entering the mikvah, the sodium chloride on his hands combined with the potassium in his beard which mixed with the dihydrogen monoxide chemicals in the water which caused a minor explosion that ignited the kryptonite in Yankel's pockets that he bought as a gift for his wife. The mikvah erupted in flame and gaseous bursts of energy, bathing the five mikvagoers and the passerby in dangerous levels of radiation.

Yankel Aisik is now known as "The Teitch" for his ability to understand anything spoken that has some english in it, like Yeshivish Reid, Yinglish, Ebonics and Pakistani tech support.

Shloimeh Mordche Gantzfried is now known as "Maten Besaiser Man" for his INability to put his real name up on the donations chart for Yom Tov seats in shul.

Nuchem Yitzchok Schwarcz is now known as "The Tint" for his extraordinary ability to not leave bubbles under tint jobs on hocker car windows. "The Tint" is the only known (super)human who can perform this marvelous feat.

Avraimel Chaimchick Brecher is now known as "Krazelman" for his ability to spin his (or any other person's) payos into perfect cylinders no matter how split-ended or bad-hair dayed they may be.

Moshe Hershel Licht is now known as "Sober/Drunk Man" for his dual ability to appear plastered despite not having a drink in his system and appear sober despite having several bourbons, scotches and beers.

Chaya Sara Shochet, who was passing by the mikvah at street level at the time is now known as RunsPrettyFastWoman for her ability to run pretty fast despite having the hem on bottom of her skirt so tight they look like they're practically sewn to her ankles.

When fighting crime together these six Jewish superheroes are collectively known as "Moiridig Mentschen." Rabbonim are already discussing whether or not to include a misheberach for them during krias hatorah.


Pencil Martin Bodek is short, dark, handsome, runs marathons (finishes them too!), can solve a Rubik's Cube in 1:47, is a big TED chasid, can whup your keister in Scrabble, loves halva, co-founded, and writes books from 5-9:


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