October 28, 2010 | Issue 31

FDA Approves Heretic Drug For The Annoyingly Religious

article pic BROOKLYN, NEW YORK — [TheKnish.com] The first ever prescription heretic drug hit the shelves today. Approved by the FDA last month, Apikorex is intended as a treatment for the approximately one million Jews who are insufferably religious.

Tests prove that the drug is effective at reducing a range of symptoms, from having a heart attack when discovering a woman within a five mile radius is wearing stockings whose denier is insufficient, and using the phrase "You'll burn in Gehenom for that," to excessive demands of glatt kosher meals after being imprisoned for molesting children.

Dr. Yeruchem Genigshoyn calls the drug a huge step forward in the battle against uber-religiousness. "If you're in a religious mood every so often," he says, "that's good, that's normal. This is for those who have a persistent copepod-checking outlook on life."

Chava Frimstein of Kiryas Joel began participating in a clinical trial of Apikorex six weeks ago. "I was always telling people to cover their ankles." she says, "Telling them their wrists were exposed, and that was just the men."

Chava says she never knew how her annoyingly religious attitude was affecting those around her. "Over and over I'd ask my husband to check and check, recheck, and rerecheck the vegetables for bugs, no matter how many times he said no," says Chava.

"She was always going on about those damn bugs," says her henpecked husband, Molech, "I didn't know if there was anything I could do to help her."

"I used to think," Chava prattles on, "why am I the only one who cares how far away the water was that was used to bake matzah? Now I realize, I was sick, I needed treatment.

Chava says the drug may have saved her marriage. "Now," whines Chava, "Molech and I can sit on the couch, watching a TV show we're both not interested in, just because it's wonderful to be able to do that."

Not everyone is convinced that Apikorex is the cure-all for religiousness, however. In this week's Charetic magazine, Christopher Dawkins of Touro College argues that many patients get similar results from natural remedies, often something as simple as opening a New York Times newspaper.

Dr. Genigshoyn disagrees, saying, "We have to erase the stigma attached with getting psychotically religious Jews help. Real medical help. You know what it's like to be around these people? It's pretty [expletive] annoying."

Doctors estimate that Apikorex could reduce by about 40% the amount of money funneled from fathers-in-law to children who refuse to work because Moshiach is coming and we need to be prepared with as much Torah as possible.


Pencil Martin Bodek is short, dark, handsome, runs marathons (finishes them too!), can solve a Rubik's Cube in 1:47, is a big TED chasid, can whup your keister in Scrabble, loves halva, co-founded TheKnish.com, and writes books from 5-9: http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/mbodekatgmaildotcom


comment ALAN MASAR said...

the matyred muslims are killing innnocent people to get 72 virgins in heaven, so the muslims bodys buried what goes to heaven, and what the static or wind do with 72 virgins???

November 16, 2010 at 1:14 a.m.

comment Ziggy Stardust said...

Alan, Huh?

November 18, 2010 at 3:37 a.m.

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