September 1, 2005 | Issue 23

E-Harmony Adds "Yichus" to Dimensions of Compatibility

CYBERSPACE, ALGORELAND — [] Finally bowing to pressure from shadchonim everywhere, has decided to add "yichus" to its dimensions of compatibility, bringing the total list of dimensions to 30.

"This is a gevaldig step for," says Christina Teitelbaum, a shadchen with an impressive average of 6.83 shidduchim per year, current high amongst active shadchonim. "I mean, they were totally backwards with the rest of their dimensions. Adaptability? Self concept? Emotional management? What is this shtus? We know all that matters is your yichus. Oh, and hemline of the mother-in-law's skirt. We'll get eHarmony to add that next."

Jesus Tennenbaum, a shadchen with a 6.09 SPY and part-time badchen says, "This is great for me, because 29 isn't gematria anything. Until it became thirty I struggled to fit it into my grommin. Now I can say that 30 is gematria kol, which means all, so all of the ba'al simchas - um, wait, it isn't gematria kol, I forget how this one works out. Don't quote me, ok?"

Mary Magdalenbaum, a shadchen who holds the Guinness record for 67 shidduchim in one month (April 2004) says, "This is an excellent start, but our goal is to get eHarmony to match up people with the actual 298 compatibility dimesions. These include frumkeit of cousins, flipping-out level of siblings who spent the year in Israel, and Shabbos tablecloths, which must halachically be white and extend a minimum of 4 tefachim over each end of the table."

When asked by about his decision to add yichus to the dimensions of compatibility, Dr. Neil Clark Warren, founder of eHarmony, said, "It was logical to add yichus to a list that includes ambition, altruism and autonomy - actually, who am I kidding? These people are insane. This was all I could do to make them go away."


Pencil Martin Bodek is short, dark, handsome, runs marathons (finishes them too!), can solve a Rubik's Cube in 1:47, is a big TED chasid, can whup your keister in Scrabble, loves halva, co-founded, and writes books from 5-9:


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