December 1, 2004 | Issue 16

Deceased Arafat Denies Link to Resurrection Bombers

article pic NINTH LEVEL, HELL — [] Doctors have confirmed that Yassir Arafat is finally staying dead. Arafat's constant flip-flopping from death to life was the cause of much consternation and confusion during his last few days. Many theories abounded as to his odd non-status. For example, the hospital's denials that Arafat was in fact undead led to widespread rumors of his being a zombie.

In a stunning scoop, reporters have learned the true cause of Arafat's deceasement waffling: none of the afterlifes would take him. He tried to enter Behesht, but they just laughed and rejected his application. Valahalla barred its doors and Elysium shredded his passport. Shangri-la, Nirvana, Zion -- one after another, the numerous hereafters kicked him back to the land of the living, leading to his unusual equivocating demise. Eventually, Arafat ended up as a refugee in Gehennom, and even this place was non-commital. Thus, his passing was consummated.

Immediately after moving in, Arafat began laying claim to the land. According to faxed statements, Arafat is asserting ownership of all of Gehennom. "My people have being going to Hell for the longest time. Thus, it is considered our anscestral land and we will drive all other inhabitants into the Lake of Fire."

Despite a weather delay brought on by the Red Sox winning the World Series, Hell began a "perdition process" with the hopes of reaching a mutually agreed-upon solution. However, Arafat turned down the 72 virgins offer, despite it being exactly what he's been asking for all these years. An exasperated Satan said, "We offered exactly what he asked for, but he still turned it down! The devil with it, we're moving him out." Immediately, foreign aid from the depths of Hell began pouring in in support of Arafat. No one knows where the aid goes, but Arafat rebuffed the attempted expulsion and is now in an isolated compound in Hell.

It is from there that Arafat instigated the insidious tactic of resurrection bombers. In response, the demons of Hell gave a press conference where they stated that they will not stand for the targeting of guilty civilians. Arafat loudly denied involvement in the resurrection bombings, but it was noted that in Arabic he only said, "With hellfire and brimstone we will take Hades."


Pencil Mordy Ovits did standup once. They laughed at him. They all laughed at him. You can email your laughter to him at


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