May 1, 2004 | Issue 11

David Blainestein Attempts New Jewish Endurance Record

BROOKLYN, NY — [] Starved for attention yet again, Jewish street magician David Blainestein has announced that he would eat nothing but non-frummy brands of food for as long as humanly possible.

David has performed stunts previously and has garnered much attention for his death and nervous-breakdown defying stunts that defy the Jewish imagination.

In 2001 Blainestein lived at his in-law's house for a record 63 days. Blainestein was reported to have suffered mental and physical breakdowns from that ordeal, but that did not keep him from reaching for other feats of endeavor.

In 2002 he secluded himself in a living room without a chandelier, but Blainestein lasted only 16 hours, citing the enormous mental strain of being in seclusion with only a bulb in the ceiling. Sixteen hours may not seem like much, but the previous Jewish record was three hours, and that resulted in a Bellevue visit for the performer attempting the feat.

In 2003 he managed to listen to kol isha for 42 consecutive hours, but the effects were regrettable, as Blainestein bolted after the ordeal, screaming "I have sinned! I have sinned! What have I done?" His rant went on endlessly for 143 consecutive days, shattering the old wracked-by-guilt record by 38 days.

For David's 2004 stunt, the magician will attempt to eat Oreo's instead of Bloom's, Heinz instead of Haddar, Haribo instead of Paskesz, Lay's instead of Lieber's and Godiva instead of Shufra's.

Doctors at Columbia University have already cautioned Blainestein against this undertaking. "It is physically impossible for a Jew to endure this torture," says Gollum Smeagol, head of Jewish Food Research at Columbia. Smeagol continued, "David's stomach will probably explode after three days. We are very nervous and have asked him to reconsider. Another less dangerous stunt would be better, like sayyyyyyy, seeing for how long he can wear tzitzis."

Blainestein scoffed at the suggestion, citing that the record - 54 years, 234 days by Mendel the Coatrack of Boro Park, Brooklyn - is probably unbreakable and that his desperate need for attention may be long gone by then.


Pencil Martin Bodek is short, dark, handsome, runs marathons (finishes them too!), can solve a Rubik's Cube in 1:47, is a big TED chasid, can whup your keister in Scrabble, loves halva, co-founded, and writes books from 5-9:


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