July 1, 2004 | Issue 13

Chumradika Rav Releases 2004 Summer Movie Guide

YEHUPITS, MINNESOTA — [TheKnish.com] The Chumradika Rav released his eagerly anticipated summer movie guide today. In the Summer 2004 edition, he assurs films like Garfield (atzlus), Harry Potter (kishuv) and The Stepford Wives (pritzus). He also matirs films like White Chicks (tznius), Two Brothers (achdus) and Van Helsing (killing Amalek).

The following is an excerpt from the guide, which the Chumradika Rav will be signing at Barnes & Noble, just as soon as Bill Clinton leaves:

Spiderman 2, in theaters everywhere, get your tickets on fandango.com, is mamesh oiver on so many d'oirasahs, d'rabonons and my chumras, that I have to declare that it's assur gamur for any Jewish person to attend. The list of aveiros is long and endless:

Ershtens, Peter Parker is oiver yichud every time he visits his Aunt May. His uncle was niftar a few years ago and Aunt May lives alone. It is questionable whether Peter can visit and since Aunt May locks the doors because she thinks some supervillians are out to attack her, it is assur for Peter to sleep over.

Tzvaitens, Peter Parker and Mary Jane Watson are not shomer negiah. This is a geferliche matziv. Not only that, but he has turned her into a zoneh b'Yisroel. For this, Peter Parker is chayiv kores. This relationship also causes web dreams, but Peter never goes to the mikvah the next day. This is shameful.

Dritens, every time Spiderman spins his webs he's oiver on "ushmartem al nafshoisachem." The subways are preferred for travelling, particularly if it's not such an emergency, and zipping through Manhattan on webs is too dangerous to be tolerated from a halachic perspective.

Ferdens, the webs themselves pose a particular problem when they're left hanging around the corners of city buildings. Animals get caught in them, making Spiderman is oiver on tzar b'alei chayim. Also, the webs leave the buildings looking like they have tzitzis on them and Jews would rather not call attention to themselves. The New York Times has been doing enough of that recently.

Fiftens, Jonah Jameson is oiver, day and night, the concept of veohaftu lerayachu komochu. Mamesh, he dreys a kup on everybody that works for him. He also keeps wages from his workers overnight. Assur according to parshas Mishpatim.

Letztens, Spiderman is to blame for a lot of "lifnei eever" aveiros. His public heroism causes Jonah Jameson to publish loshon horah and rechilus and killing supervillians causes their children to engage in nekama.

So nu, what should people see if they HAVE to see a movie? I'm maskim that people can see "Shrek 2" which is filled with mitzvos and heiligkeit. Along with Donkey, Shrek is mikayim the mitzvah of "knai lechu chaver" and mamesh gets along with his shver and shviger. Also, Fiona is an isha tznua and she knows where her ksuba is at all times. Shrek's yichus is also gevaldig, as he's a descendant of the great Rav Akiva Ogre."

Writer

Pencil Martin Bodek is short, dark, handsome, runs marathons (finishes them too!), can solve a Rubik's Cube in 1:47, is a big TED chasid, can whup your keister in Scrabble, loves halva, co-founded TheKnish.com, and writes books from 5-9: http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/mbodekatgmaildotcom


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