September 1, 2005 | Issue 23

Chasidim Refuse to Set Timetable for Lakewood Withdrawal

LAKEWOOD, NEW JERSEY — [] The sect of chasidim that have infiltrated Lakewood said today that they understand and respects the views of those who are calling for them to cut short their incursion, but warned that an immediate withdrawal would send a terrible signal to the litvaks.

“The litvaks would like nothing better than to see us cut short our attempt to teach them how to properly live their lives,” a chasid told reporters.

While the chasidim said that they would withdraw from Lakewood “soon,” they refused to set a timetable for their departure from the town, saying that much work there still needs to be done.

The chasidim, who have been spending much of their occupation condemning hemlines of the women in the neighborhood, said that they are making great progress in training Lakewoodians to take over that job for them, but cautioned that they are not yet prepared to do the job themselves.

“Once the Lakewoodians have shown that they are able to subjugate women on their own, we will withdraw from Lakewood, but that day has not yet come,” the chasidim said.

The chasidim were dismissive of polls showing that the public think their current stay is becoming a quagmire, much like their August 2001 invasion of Midwood.

In Williamsburg, spokesman Abraham Isaac defended the Chauvinister Rebbe's decision to keep his delegates in Lakewood indefinitely: “The Lakewoodians have much to learn. They don't police women's necklines enough. Also, far too few men are in kollel, many are actually supporting their families with these job things. We will stay until these Lakewoodians can properly live the correct Torah life on their own.”


Pencil Martin Bodek is short, dark, handsome, runs marathons (finishes them too!), can solve a Rubik's Cube in 1:47, is a big TED chasid, can whup your keister in Scrabble, loves halva, co-founded, and writes books from 5-9:


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