December 1, 2003 | Issue 7

"Chanukwanzaamasadan" Created to Alleviate Holiday Confusion

BOROPARCOMPTONSOHOBAYRIDGE, NY — [] In response to the confusion created by too many religious and cultural holidays occurring at the same time, a combination festival has been created to guide the perplexed. The new holiday is called "Chanukwanzaamasadan."

The creation of the new holiday was complicated but efficient. Leaders of each representative community came together in the multicultural neighborhood of Boroparcomptonsohobayridge to hammer out the details.

Representing African-Americans was Al Sharpton, Pope John Paul II represented the Catholic community, The Chimneyshtooper Rebbe (nee Santa Claus before his conversion) spoke for the Jewish Community and Imam Ibrahim Salaam was the Islamic spokesman.

The camaraderie hit a few snags when the Rebbe asked the Pope why he was wearing a yarmulka, the Imam asked Al why his menorah is missing two candles, the Pope asked the Imam why he starves himself when the Jews are feeding the world sufganiyot ("artery clogging intestine grenade") and latkes (same definition), and Al asked the Rebbe where he gets his beard styled.

The clergy resolved their curiosities and an official name of the holiday was the first matter established. Discussion of rituals ensued, and it was determined that the 30 days of Ramadan, 12 days of Christmas, 8 days of Chanukah and 6 days of Kwanzaa would be combined into a 56-day holiday celebrated by lighting a 14-stem candelabra called a "person-orah" for egalitarian purposes, eating a new ethnic food called Soulganiyoturkheema and enjoying the new holiday game that all cultures can participate in, young and old: No Limit Texas Hold 'em Poker.

A lottery was held to determine who the first child would be to light the first candle and inaugurate the new holiday. Little Yankelmohammedandrew25cent Abraham was chosen, much to the delight of his parents, Yonahmedwardleroy and Yochevedhuhalisonbeyonce.

The only regrets the clergy had after the creation of the new holiday was that alternate side parking would not be suspended for all 56 days and that sadly, Chanukwanzaamasadan has already become commercialized. The efforts of the first opportunists can be seen in the Shopping section on For shame.


Pencil Martin Bodek is short, dark, handsome, runs marathons (finishes them too!), can solve a Rubik's Cube in 1:47, is a big TED chasid, can whup your keister in Scrabble, loves halva, co-founded, and writes books from 5-9:


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