October 28, 2010 | Issue 31

Canadian Government Releases 300,000 Men From Strategic Bochur Reserve 

TRONNO, ONTARIO, CANADA — [TheKnish.com] In response to America's dire shortage of Jewish boys, the Harper administration made the emergency decision today to release 300,000 males from the U.S. Strategic Bochur Reserve.

The reserve is a giant freezer located in Tronno, designed to be opened for emergencies only and only when the shidduch crisis reaches epidemic proportions. It is located in Canada so that once released into the wild the boys will trickle down into the rest of the Americas and sweep available Jewish girls off of their feet.

Chief director of the Eligible Chossonbochur Task Force, Maya Tzeitel, made the announcement in a press conference earlier today. "The shortage of nice Jewish boys has reached crisis levels," she said. "Ladies, you deserve this."

Today's influx of bochurim is intended to meet the increasing demands of self-sufficient professional women who are tired of hearing, "So nu?" from their overbearing grandmothers.

The task force was organized in 5743 in response to the decade's sharp rise in bochurim who wanted to learn in Israel for the year, then for another year, then for another year. The underground Bochur Storage Facility is the world's largest supply of eligible bochurim just waiting for the right time or a crisis, whichever comes last, to be sprung free.

Inside the facility, the bachelor's complete inability to earn a living is flawlessly refined in preparation for an emergency shortage.

Fifty thousand bochurim have already been released into several cities. While the announcement was praised by many prominent female followers, Sima Donna, of the Association of Women Who Can do So Much Better Than This, blasted the move as a quick fix that does nothing to ensure the availability of quality bochurim in the future.

"We need to find ways to develop the men we already have in excess," said Donna, "The shluchs, the shlumps, the ones who need mothers, not wives, into desirable potential life partners. We cannot leave future generations with a surplus of men who can't match clothes that aren't black or white and can't operate a fork."

Members of Congress, led by Craig Zlist, drafted a letter calling the bochur release a "panic move." The letter states in part, "There are plenty of eligible, fertile 45 to 70-somethings already above ground, who are relatively fit and finally looking to settle down."

The opening of the Strategic Bochur Reserve, however, has raised questions about whether or not to open the Strategic Housekeeper Reserve to combat how impossible it is to find a good goytah these days. It seems they converted and married many available bochurim when said bochurim were overpowered by their shiksappeal.


Pencil Martin Bodek is short, dark, handsome, runs marathons (finishes them too!), can solve a Rubik's Cube in 1:47, is a big TED chasid, can whup your keister in Scrabble, loves halva, co-founded TheKnish.com, and writes books from 5-9: http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/mbodekatgmaildotcom


comment Avi said...

Um... this is a rip-off from theonion.com:


October 28, 2010 at 5:34 p.m.

comment Hedyot said...

Pretty lame to so blatantly rip off the Onion.

October 28, 2010 at 6:55 p.m.

comment Martin Bodek said...

To be perfectly honest, I'm desperate for attention for The Knish and trying to get noticed. They say there's no such thing as bad publicity, which is what I'm after. And dammit, it hasn't worked yet! I slaved over the transcription process and YOU noticed because you're astute! Where are the Onion eyeballs? Hey Onion! Youv'e been ripped off! Send me a nasty e-mail! I'm toiling in niche obscurity here!

October 29, 2010 at 3:50 p.m.

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