June 1, 2003 | Issue 1

Brooklyn is the Center of the Universe

article pic BROOKLYN, NY — [TheKnish.com] It was discovered yesterday that Brooklyn is, indeed, the center of the Universe. Pooling the resources of the American Astrophysics Association, NASA, and We Are The World (Brooklyn, that is), the four-year study analyzed the gravitational pull of the Universe and other factors.

"Nu?," asked Moshe Finkel, 23, from Brooklyn, "this is news? I've been telling everyone this for years."

Dr.Shimon Meshulach, PhD, from WATW(BTI), said, "When I earned my degree, from Yeshivas Chaim Berlin, I knew that proving Brooklyn was the center of the world was my calling."

The study used advanced analysis tools on the data from the Hubbel telescope. They were able to calculate, based on astral rotations, that the gravitational pull of the Universe was centered around Brooklyn.

As with many studies this one is not without controversy. Based on the data it seems unclear whether Boro Park or Flatbush is the actual center. From some numbers the exact center seems to be E14th street and Ave J. Other numbers indicate 49th Street and 13th Ave.

"Who doesn't know that Boro Park is the center of the world??" Shprintzah Baila Ellenbogenstien, 21 (and looking), from Boro Park asked. "All my friends agree with me!"

The study also added that there is no need for people from Brooklyn to know about anything outside of New York. It explains that, while it helps to be aware of Monsey and Miami, there is no need to know where such states as Louisiana and Canada are located.


Pencil Chaim Y got the ball rolling, so you owe him big. He co-founded the TheKnish.com with Martin Bodek, a day which will forever live in famy. His hobbies include gum-chewing, bubblewrap-popping, and comparing chometz horror stories. He lives in a city with people.


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