April 1, 2007 | Issue 27

Britney Spears Increases Commitment to Satmar

article pic LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA — [TheKnish.com] Britney Spears has further displayed evidence of her loyalty and commitment to Hasidic Judaism by completely shaving her entire head in preparation for a bishow with the top yeshiva bochur in Ozer Dadim. She then immediately certified the hair as non-Indian, donated it to a local gemach and put on a shpitzel.

Additionally, Britney was quoted as saying, "I don't want anyone touching me. I'm tired of everyone touching me." This emphasized to the shadchente involved, and to the community at large, that she is fully committing herself to practicing the spiritual safeguard of shomer negiah.

Even before making her declaration, Britney proved her commitment to this concept in recent months by socializing and dancing only with females.

Britney’s transformation began, according to Aish.com, when she married the Federliner Rebbe and immediately had two children in eight months. Unfortunately, she was forced to take the honorable route and divorce her husband when he showcased his embarrassingly pathetic badchen skills, which proved to be a shameful smear on the legacy of the Federliner dynasty.

Also, Britney has taken it upon herself only to be associated with friends with great Yichus, such as Paris Hilton, of the famed Hiltoner dynasty from Poland, and Lindsay Lohan, of the 150-year old Lohaner movement from Romania.

More evidence of Britney’s continued commitment to Judaism came when she was recently photographed lacking underwear. This was because Britney was in middle of shiva neki’im at the time but had her white undergarments in the laundry. Hence, she went with the b’dieved halacha and chose to go undergarmentless rather than - Heaven forbid - wear colored panties.

The sum of these events, plus her dalliance in Kabbalah proves that she is following in the footsteps of the great Rebbetzin Esther Ciconne, who began her career by bragging in public about the loss of her bisultah and is now a dedicated, tsniusdik British mother of two Yiddishe maidelech.


Pencil Mordy Ovits did standup once. They laughed at him. They all laughed at him. You can email your laughter to him at movits@theknish.com.

Pencil Martin Bodek is short, dark, handsome, runs marathons (finishes them too!), can solve a Rubik's Cube in 1:47, is a big TED chasid, can whup your keister in Scrabble, loves halva, co-founded TheKnish.com, and writes books from 5-9: http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/mbodekatgmaildotcom


comment avi said...

Britneys hot!

January 8, 2009 at 1:04 a.m.

comment avithedemon said...

go britney

January 8, 2009 at 1:18 a.m.

comment britney spears said...

thanks avi for the comment

January 8, 2009 at 4:21 a.m.

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